Taking the Long Way Around

Complete Full Circle, Part II

2011-11-13T18:15:00.000-08:00

I arrived in Boston three days before school started. I was all alone in a house where I would be spending the next year with two girls I had never met. It was Labor Day weekend - a holiday that I would later come to learn is taken much more seriously in New England than it is in the Midwest - and everyone was off at the beach, lake houses or the Cape enjoying the last bits of summer. That's when it hit me. I didn't know anyone and was about to enter an intensive one year program.

Turns out I was really lucky to be a part of this particular class. Forty-five of us from all over the world. We were all so very different, yet shared the same open mindedness and passion for adventure, travel and communications. We clicked and these people became like a family to me. We worked hard and played hard -holidays, birthday, projects and presentations. Before I knew it, we were living in the school library completing our final capstone projects and preparing for graduation.

I got a summer internship at Massachusetts General Hospital and spent my summer writing press releases, doing research and helping to compile the annual report. I found myself enjoying the opportunities not living at Emerson gave me to enjoy the city. As the end of summer approached, I decided I wasn't ready to leave.

At the time my internship ended, there were no full time positions available at the hospital and another classmate of mine was leaving an internship to move to NYC. Her boss was working on a job for Tufts Medical Center and she passed along my name to help continue with the project given my previous experience in health care.

I took the job and immediately started working on the rebrand and website upgrade/migration project for the hospital. I learned a lot and really enjoyed the project. As the contract neared an end I was so very happy in Boston. I had a great circle of friends and was out enjoying all that New England had to offer. The city had stolen my heart and I wanted to stay.

The only problem was that I needed to find a more stable full time role. This turned out to be harder than I imagined. The city is very highly educated and I still seemed to be stuck in between being over qualified for some things and under qualified for the rest.

After a few months of unsuccessfully searching for something in the city, I began to realize I may have to leave. I wasn't sure I was ready to go back home as I really enjoyed city life. Many of my grad school friends had migrated to NYC and I decided if I were going to find a job anywhere, it would be there.

A friend was looking for an apartment and said I could move in with him if I came down. I began sending out resumes in the city and prepared to move down.

I arrived in the city in October of 2008 - two weeks after everything started to fall apart with the economy. I started to worry as I moved in and one of my roommates was laid off from his job. Maybe this move wasn't the best move.

I spent the next three months job hunting and trying not to go crazy being cooped up in a small apartment in a city where I couldn't spend any money. There were a lot of tough days and a lot of times I questioned my decision to leave behind all that I had built in Boston.

In February I finally started working as the Digital Content Manager for Cornell's Graduate School. It was my work on the Tufts project that landed me the job. I was lucky enough to be the first in the role and was given the opportunity to build the position in the two years I worked there.

But soon I started to feel as if I had reached the limits of the role. Working in the Admissions office instead of working with public affairs was difficult at times and I was really itching to learn some new things.

In December of 2010 I interviewed and was hired for a Marketing Manager role in the custom content division of Rodale publishing. I never thought too much about the move until a friend of mine from Canada was visiting the city and her boyfriend introduced me to a friend of his as a friend of hers from London and the only one who had stayed in publishing. Which wasn't really my goal, but somehow I had found myself right back in a publishing house.

Soon my role at Rodale began to change and as my division started restructuring I began to explore my options outside the company. I was contacted by a recruiter at a large PR firm at the end of August for a Webmaster/Online Marketing Specialist role for the company's global rebrand. I was offered the role and accepted the position. I've now been working there for about a month and finally feel like this is where I should be.

It's ironic looking back though because I never dreamed I would be working for one of the large PR firms - especially not in the NYC office of one. I never dreamed I would live in Manhattan. I never dreamed I would love working on websites and that I would be lucky enough to find a career combining my love of marketing with my passion for writing.

But, looking back, the pieces all add up. In one combination or another they all came together to point me down the path to where I am now:

PR degree > Working at publishing company in London for PRWeek > London led me to the Global Marketing program in Boston

Living in London made me feel I could take on NYC > My work in Boston for MGH and Tufts helped me get the Cornell job > The Cornell job gave me a strong background in content management > My publishing experience and GMCA degree sent me to Rodale > All of the above led me to my current role

It scares me to see just how much sense it all makes now given the indecision and agitation each of these decisions caused me at the time.

So, you see, there really was no other answer to my friend's question and I'm looking forward to the next link in the chain...in time :)

Now that my story's complete, this really is my last post here. However, that doesn't mean I'm giving up writing. For me, the stories are never really told. In all honesty, I just don't have the time to maintain two blogs at the moment and I'm looking for a different outlet now.

Something that provides me more creative license and less structure. A collection of thoughts and stories that may not always follow a story arc. If you're interested in coming along for the ride, make sure to find me at Visible Ink.

Thanks again for reading!

Complete Full Circle, Part I

2011-11-09T17:48:00.000-08:00

"There's nothing more ironic or contradictory than life itself." - Robert De Niro

The other day a friend asked me how my recent changes were working out. I told her I was happy for the first time in a long time.

"You'll have to tell me your secret," she said.

She made it sound so easy.

"Seven years of hard work."

Honestly, that was the only thing I could possibly answer with. Looking back it's been a long journey to essentially get back where I started from.

Ironic, but somehow comforting because it makes me realize I always did know what I wanted. Maybe not in the sense of someone who decides they are want to be a doctor when they are four and spends their whole school career in pursuit of that goal, but, essentially, I did the same, just by taking the long way around.

Those of you who have followed along with this blog and my previous ones have heard bits and pieces of this story already, but I want to go back and tell it - mostly to myself - again. It's a long one, so I'll break it up into two parts so as not to overwhelm :)

Growing up I loved to read and write. In my spare time you could either find me with a book or filling notebooks with stories and poems. But for some reason I never considered it could be a career. In fact, when my kindergarten class made a book entitled "When I Grow Up" I actually drew myself as a nurse. Crazy, since there is NO WAY I would ever make it in that field for many reasons.

I continued on through high school and entered Iowa State as an undeclared major my freshman year. Urged by my LAS advisor to take a wide range of classes on my way to deciding on a major I happened to take JLMC 101: Mass Media and Society.

I LOVED the class but for some reason still didn't consider declaring as a JLMC major as broadcast and newspaper reporting never held any appeal to me. Time went by and as sophomore year began and the deadline to declare approached, I decided to give Journalism a try and signed up for a full schedule of JLMC curriculum.

All of a sudden I realized a passion for writing didn't mean I was limited to being an english major, an author, or in broadcast. I discovered the perfect combination for the girl who loved socializing, writing and was fairly organized - PR.

My junior year at Iowa State I got very involved in PRSSA and clearly remember the president of our chapter being awarded a summer internship at Weber Shandwick in NYC, which we all thought was the biggest deal ever.

I had developed an interest in health care communications and finished my senior year with an internship at the local hospital. As graduation approached, I decided to pursue another great passion of mine - traveling and made arrangements to move to London and work for six months before getting serious about job hunting.

In December of 2002 I thought I was all set. I would go to London, have a great time and then come home and get a job in PR at one of the hospitals.

Little did I know London would change everything.

In London, I landed a job as an editorial assistant at Haymarket Publishing. Working on Contact US, a supplement to PR Week, my job was to research suitable entries for the directory. One of the categories happened to be education and in researching all of the PR/Communications programs, a few schools popped up again and again in my research.

***Six months later ***

I return Stateside and begin looking for a job in PR. The job market at home was never good and I struggled to find something in my field. Three - unrelated - jobs later I landed in a temp job for a small computer engineering firm working as the receptionist/internet help desk/marketing girl.

I loved working there and helped with tradeshows, lunch and learn events, a Microsoft Across America event and had multiple copywriting tasks. I was learning a lot about technology and enjoying my coworkers. Unfortunately, six months after I started they lost a few clients and decided to eliminate my position.

I was at a loss. It had taken me three jobs to finally get somewhere I wanted to be and now I was looking at starting all over again. I began contemplating grad school. I thought maybe more skills would give me an edge since I lacked the years of experience everyone seemed to require.

Racing against upcoming application deadlines, I managed to apply to five schools. Two in the midwest, Columbia - just to say I had tried :), a publishing program in London - and this Emerson College I had read so much about while working at Haymarket.

I had applied to various programs at each school, and, as I waited to hear back, I started wondering which program would be the best fit for my career goals. I got into the program in London first and was so excited about the possibility of returning to the country I had been so sad to leave a year and a half earlier. I got into the two schools in the midwest and got rejected from Columbia - big surprise :)

As I tried to weigh the pros and cons of each of these programs, I wondered about Emerson. I had never heard of the school before London and had never been to the East Coast. I wasn't exactly sure what my career goal was and it was making the decision difficult. I eventually ruled out London as much as it broke my heart, since I decided a publishing career would not be a smart move. Since I was having trouble deciding between the remaining similar programs, I decided Emerson would be the deal breaker. If I got in, I had to go.

As the response deadline for each program approached, I worried more and more. Just in time I heard back from Emerson. They admitted me and I accepted. I surprised everyone by announcing I was moving to Boston in a month for a year-long intensive Master's program.

I was going to go and once I moved back to Des Moines at the end of the year I would be eligible to apply for all the jobs asking for five years of experience or a Master's degree. I was all set.

But once again, Boston changed everything.

To be continued....

Emerging on the Lighter Side of Darkness

2011-10-24T16:35:00.000-07:00

I'm happy.

Only two words, but it's sad that I realize how long it's been since I was really, truly happy and could make such a simple statement.

I'm saying this from a place where everything is different...on too many levels to even address tonight in this entry, really.

But everything is.

A lot of differences makes one happier me and I'll be back to write more soon, but for now, excuse me while I'm off to go remember this.

Announcing Visible Ink

2011-10-05T04:32:00.000-07:00

As I put words to paper again, so to speak, I realize one of the reasons I felt uninspired by blogging for awhile was that I feel this blog is too focused for some of the things I feel compelled to write at times.

I don't want to ruin that so I'm choosing to launch another blog for stories that are inspired by other things - the past and present, some real and some imagined. I make no promises as to where it will go, I can only say it will be nothing less than interesting.

For those of you who wish to come along, story time is about to begin: http://amy-visibleink.blogspot.com/

3 Strikes You're Out...I Mean, Third Times a Charm?

2011-10-04T19:19:00.000-07:00

Standing at the plate with a full count. Hoping to hit it out of the park, but I've only got one more strike.

That's the perfect analogy for how I feel right now. After two tries at making NYC the perfect situation for me, I'm staring down a third. This time everything's different.

Everything.

So all I can give it is one more shot. The pitch has been thrown and I'm taking a swing.

Let's hope it's a home run instead of an out.

2011-09-26T20:31:00.000-07:00

When I abandoned this blog so long ago, I vowed not to return until I was beginning a new adventure and could start over with a new blog. But, because the past makes us who we are and because writing is like oxygen to me, I'm back.

I really wasn't fair when I said I was leaving until a new adventure came along because essentially every day in this city - or any other, really - is a new adventure. The time that has elapsed between my last entry and this one have been anything but adventure-less.

Stay tuned...

Signing off

2011-01-31T18:47:00.001-08:00

I started this blog almost three years ago now. A lot has happened since then and I'm glad I have an archive of all that I've gone through living in the city. Looking back brings so many emotions. There have been some great moments and also moments of incredible loneliness. Moving to Manhattan has tested so many parts of me and I hope, along the way, I've gained more than I've lost.

I took a brief break from this blog a short while ago because I felt the words escaping me. The truth is, I don't want to write here anymore. I've always written this blog for myself and no one else and I don't feel that writing here is providing me anything more than unnecessary time spent dwelling on things lately.

So, when a new start comes, so will a new blog.

Until the next adventure....

2011-01-27T16:02:00.000-08:00

Living in New York has never been easy and, honestly, I have never struggled as much as I have living here in the city. There hasn't been a week that's passed without a thought of wanting to give up, yet something keeps me here.

I don't know what or why.

I keep thinking that maybe all this needs to be perfect is a little bit more time and a little bit more patience. But maybe I just had to do this to realize that something else is better for me...

I'm not sure.

I don't know why I'm here or continue to be here.

I am afraid that when I go elsewhere I will miss this more than I think, but I am also afraid that if I stay here I will miss everything else because I'm too busy struggling to get by.

“Success is sweet and sweeter if long delayed and gotten through many struggles and defeats.” - Amos Bronson Alcott

Full Circle

2011-01-22T11:19:00.000-08:00

Last night I met up with a friend whom I met while working at a publishing house in London. As her boyfriend introduced me to a friend of his he made the comment that I was the only one who stayed in publishing. I almost interjected, but as I thought about his statement, I realized that was the way it looked even though it was far from the truth.

In undergrad I had at one time considered a career in publishing. I applied to many positions at a local magazine publisher and to be honest, it was what drew me toward my job in London. But after returning Stateside and seeing how much the industry was changing I decided to change my plan as well.

I did a little marketing for a computer engineering firm and, after grad school, I fell into an account executive role in Boston working for Tech and health care clients. Which eventually led to my web content management experience and further fueled my interest in technology and the digital space. I truly enjoyed all of these roles and had never once looked back at publishing. But somehow, recently after interviewing for a more digitally focused position, I found myself in the custom content division of a large publishing house here in the city.

So, in a way, he was right. It was out of that idea and the decisions that I made following London which have somehow led me full circle without me ever consciously making the choice to.

2011-01-16T10:29:00.000-08:00

There are years that ask questions and there are years that answer. -Zora Neale Hurston

2010 was definitely a questioning year for me. So many of all different types and there were no answers in sight.

I'm starting 2011 off with more excitement than I've felt in a long time. Already, just half a month into the new year, it's better than the last and I feel less anxious about the questions.

I feel a sense of giddy anticipation that things are about to take an interesting upturn because of changes that I'm making and that those around me are contemplating.

I almost gave in to the overwhelming discontent that last year left me with, but I have a feeling that I'm going to be glad I'm giving this another try.

New Year, New Job

2010-12-30T14:13:00.000-08:00

My new job starts in two weeks. I'm excited about the new opportunities this job will bring, but I'm also a little sad about leaving my old one. As I'm preparing to hand off the role, I realize just how much I have accomplished over two years.

I was hired into my current role just as the position was being established. This gave me the flexibility to make the role my own. I took the basic job description given to me in the first few days and slowly put my own spin on it. As appropriate, I took great delight in adding some online marketing and branding in with my web editing responsibilities and over time have established us a productive online presence.

I've earned the trust of my bosses which allowed me the freedom to prove my ideas to them and I appreciate the fact that I had this opportunity. As I move from this role into a new role in a new company, I can't help but be a little sad in giving up "my baby."

I only hope that all the work I put into building my current position into what it has become will not be for nothing. As my boss contemplates replacing me, I hope they will and I hope that some of the work I've done will stay as a foundation for the next person to come in and build upon.

And most of all, I hope that I will be lucky enough in my new position to be given the same opportunity.

“Never turn down a job because you think it's too small; you don't know where it can lead” - Julia Morgan

2010-12-20T20:08:00.001-08:00

Standing on the edge eyes closed and about to jump. The smallest leap I've ever made. It should be the easiest, but maybe that's why it's the scariest.

Take risks: if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise. ~Author Unknown

On Winter

2010-12-09T10:06:00.000-08:00

I step out into the parking lot as dusk begins to fall. There is a stillness to the air that you only feel on bitterly cold and empty nights. The silence of winter. The crisp, cold quiet that has a presence and, at the same time, doesn't.

The parking lot is half empty but the snow has continued to fall covering up the tracks of anyone who's been before. I feel like I'm the last person who exists in the world as I walk over to my car hearing only the crunch my footsteps make in the snow.

The wind picks up and I quicken my pace. Stars begin to pierce the clear sky and I know that without a cloud cover it's going to be a cold night. I reach my car and start the engine to let it warm up as I grab the snow brush and clean off the windshield.

I dread getting back into the car and having to grab the steering wheel so cold it can still be felt through gloves. I take a moment and glance up.

The sky is now dark and the snowflakes have gotten even larger. I watch the fluffy flakes swirling around under the streetlight. Still alone I feel as if I am trapped inside one of those souvenir snow globes.

I finally get back inside the car and sit and watch the flakes fall back on the windshield while bracing myself for the concentration my drive home will take. I can see the snowflakes in delicate detail - just like the ones we used to draw in elementary school - and for a moment, I'm grateful for the beauty of winter.

2010-12-07T10:28:00.001-08:00

For the first time in my life I'm homesick. Weird, because I've often been away from home and have never been bothered by it before.

I went off to summer camp when I was younger all the time and even lived in a foreign country for 6 months and never felt homesick during any of these experiences. Sure, I missed people but I guess those were situations where there was some type of term limit on the time I would be away from home.

Maybe the reason I'm feeling this so acutely at present, is that I'm starting to realize the permanence of my life here - and not just meaning in New York City, but the fact that I may never even live in the same time zone as home again and I never get to visit as much as I wish.

Lately random excerpts from my past flash back on a daily basis and as I realize they come from all the places I've called home in the past, I'm wondering if these feelings of "homesickness" aren't so much about the place itself, but maybe more about things I'm lacking here.

"Fifty percent of the people in the world are homesick all the time. You don't really long for another country. You long for something in yourself that you don't have, or haven't been able to find.” -Anonymous

Stay Tuned

2010-12-05T12:27:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since I've been here and for awhile I wasn't sure I was going to be back, but once again the pull of the pen recaptures me. My thoughts are never better expressed than through the written word and even though right now there are still more thoughts than there may be words, making even some of them tangible is a step in the right direction.

730 Days

2010-08-04T10:46:00.001-07:00

That's how long I've now been a resident of New York City. Twenty-four Metro Cards and well over 1,400 Subway rides. Miles and miles of walking and countless pairs of shoes.

At least ten walks across the Brooklyn Bridge, three visits to Coney Island, and one visit to the US Open. Three nights in Harlem, two birthday parties in Williamsburg, and a train trip up the Hudson.

Two Christmases and two incoming classes of students. One tour of Yankee Stadium and a Philharmonic concert in Central Park.

Crumbs, Cupcake Cafe, and Sugar Sweet Sunshine. African, Caribbean, and Ukranian food.

And those are just a few highlights of the past 730 days. So you might understand my dilemma in making a change.

I'm really going to miss all this, but at the same time, I think I might be ready for a new challenge.

Speechless. Mute. Taciturn.

2010-07-18T20:08:00.000-07:00

However you wish to describe it, I'm out of words.

I've never written this blog for anyone other than myself. It's always been a way for me to capture my thoughts. I've saved moments in this blog that have reminded me of myself at times when I felt I was losing who I was. I've let out frustration, found peace, and may have even cried over this blog.

Writing has always been my thing but lately I've felt no compulsion to write here. I still see the pictures in my head, but currently they are too jumbled to put into words.

There's so much to say that I choose to say nothing. I'll be back when the words return.

“The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.” - Mark Twain.

2010-07-02T20:55:00.000-07:00

It's here again already. My second favorite holiday after Christmas, the Fourth of July was always a big deal in our family. Maybe it was because it falls six months after we last got together. Maybe it's because everyone enjoys long leisurely summer afternoons that stretch into evening while knowing you have the next day off. Or it could have even been knowing that my aunt never failed to bring her famous Jell-O cake to the get together.

Whatever the reason, I've always looked forward to the Fourth of July and usually have plans to celebrate long before the big day arrives. Even both of the Fourth's I've spent abroad included celebrating.

So this year when I found the holiday rapidly approaching and I had no plans, I was feeling a bit sad. I didn't really have concrete plans for enjoying the holiday in the city and had no plans to take advantage of the long weekend by leaving the city. But it turned out to be a busy weekend.

Friday night three of my friends and I ventured out to Coney Island. Every Friday night throughout the summer they have fireworks on the beach. We arrived around 6:30 and spent some time walking the boardwalk while waiting for the sun to set. Coney Island was packed and we passed some time people watching as we made our way up to Brighton Beach. The sun was beginning to set and we grabbed a table at a Russian restaurant on the boardwalk. We ordered dumplings and borscht as it got dark. Soon the fireworks began and we could even see the shows in Jersey and Staten Island off in the distance.

Saturday I spent the day in Harlem before returning to meet friends in the city for a night of dancing. The holiday weekend meant the city was pretty empty and we were lucky enough to be some of the first people in the club, which meant we got a table for the night :)

Sunday we spent the day in Central Park. It was beginning to heat up and we decided that we didn't want to spend hours waiting in Manhattan for fireworks and decided to take the Path to Hoboken. We arrived in Jersey with just enough time for dinner before heading to the waterfront where we got second row seats to the show. The fireworks were spectacular and watching them with Manhattan as the backdrop was even better.

Monday we finally got out of the city. The three of us took the Metro North about an hour and a half up the Hudson to a small town called Beacon. It was ridiculously hot and we spent a few hours staying cool in the DIA:Beacon, an interesting contemporary art museum.

So while my weekend was anything but traditional, it was still fun.

Betwixt and Between

2010-06-22T19:24:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted a new entry in a few days because I can't seem to quiet my mind enough to focus on just one topic. Lately, each day passes in a blur of: love and hate; happiness and sadness; and progress and setbacks. It seems I have possibly developed ADD as I can't seem to decide on anything. I feel as if I'm riding some roller coaster that has left its track and I have no idea where we are headed.

I both love and hate the idea of leaving New York. I both love and hate my job - for different reasons. I both miss home and yet cringe at the thought of going back there right now. I both love being single and miss being attached. I both crave adventure and miss the familiar. I both want to be more and less in everything.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. It makes no sense in my head...and all I do know is that I'm unsure of anything.

2010-06-13T21:13:00.001-07:00

It's happening again....

It always happens so slowly that it sneaks up on me..and it's usually something that never attracted me in the beginning. But I guess that's what they say love is, right?

New York is seducing me. I don't know how these cities keep slowly stealing my heart when, each time I land in a new one, I never think there is any room to love another.

I just returned from a late night walk through the city, and it has never looked more beautiful to me than it did tonight. Seeing the New York Life building's clock tower reflected in the glass panes of an apartment building on Madison Avenue; listening to the conversations around me as I sat in Madison Square Park; and walking around the oh-so-quiet, yet quaint Gramercy Park all almost brought me to tears tonight.

The tears because I finally see the potential in this city and yet I feel as if the city never responded to my advances in quite the way I wanted it to. But that's the thing about love, you only get a say in one side of it.

I immediately called a friend and confessed these feelings to her. She told me she was startled by my admission, and I could only respond with, "No more than I."

2010-06-04T17:55:00.000-07:00

"Torn between wanting to stay & wanting to go & worried it will be the wrong decision either way" - Story People

As some of you know, I've been struggling lately with the decision to stay in NYC or move somewhere else. I always thought when it was time to leave New York I would be able to leave without feeling the same sadness that always seems to descend when leaving someplace you've called home.

I never thought I would get attached to a city so large, so lonely, and so loud. I never thought that the restlessness of the city would seep into my being. I never thought that above all else here, the city would be the one thing that eventually ends up keeping me sane.

The thing about New York is that it's all about the small moments. I've written a bit about this in a previous post, but it seems as if every day there are small things that I discover I love about this city.

It's the way the ground shakes when the Subway goes rushing underneath you. It's the way you can find takeout at 3 am. It's the way I feel when I am hurtling down Central Park West on a night bus. It's the fact that I recognize my fellow bus riders each morning. It's the way you can pack a picnic and spend an entire day laying in Central Park.

So as I come ever closer to the reality that I need to leave by the time my lease ends, I also come ever closer to realizing that I have become attached to this crazy, sweet catastrophe of a city.

New York, you could have been great. I just don't think I'm strong enough to be patient enough to give you anymore.

Tom Selleck Saved My Baby and Other Reasons I Love the East Side

2010-05-16T20:28:00.000-07:00

As I've stated in previous posts, I love walking. I love The City in the summer because it means weekend days are nice enough to indulge my desire to explore the city on foot.

This morning a friend and I stepped out with no real destination. We started by walking through the street fair on 3rd Avenue. We soon realized we were close enough to the East Village that we could do lunch at the arepas bar that is always busy on weeknights. Since it was a bit early for lunch we decided to leisurely explore the East Village a bit first.

We wandered up and down the streets and avenues, turning as things caught our eye. We discovered a Ukranian street festival, complete with church ladies selling cabbage rolls and borscht. We wandered in and out of tiny boutiques and stopped to look at a few flea markets - NYC's version of a garage sale :)

Found on a trash can outside the flea market:

After lunch, we spent an hour sitting in Thompson Square Park watching a group of children run races with each other, people walking their dogs, and a group of people wrestling in the park. We decided to continue on through Alphabet City and walked all the way over to Avenue D wandering through every public garden we came upon.

Found in Alphabet City:

We made our way back up through the Lower East Side and the end of this walking adventure found us in a cozy, small Irish pub watching a live session of two acoustic acts.

It's days like these that make me realize I really will miss NYC when I leave.

There's a Reason Why People Suffer through Iowa Winters

2010-05-10T20:00:00.000-07:00

Each year, as summer approaches I get more and more nostalgic about Iowa summers. There is something so spectacularly wonderful about an Iowa summer that I’m struggling to find the words to completely capture the essence of what I love about it. This is my third attempt at writing this entry, and I think only those of you who have also experienced an Iowa summer will truly appreciate this post.

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The heat begins to roll in around mid-June, but the stifling humidity usually doesn’t set in until July if you are lucky. Once it does, you know it will be sticking around until at least September, so you really appreciate the brief period of beautiful warm weather and the cool nights where you can leave the windows open and fall asleep listening to the sounds of leaves rustling outside or a gentle rain falling.

These early summer evenings are made for grilling. You sit on the patio with friends eating, drinking and talking as the sun sets. Burgers, sweet corn bought from a roadside stand, and fresh fruit afterwards. A cool breeze carries with it the scent of freshly cut grass as twilight falls and fireflies begin to appear. Soon twilight gives way to a deep blue sky pierced with millions of stars. Off in the distance the cicadas’ song mixes in with the deep croaking of frogs.

The air begins to cloud with haze and as you walk in flip flops through the grass back to your car at the end of the night, your feet become wet with dew. A slight breeze blows through and you shiver, but it’s that weird feeling of being cold and yet hot at the same time, similar to the way you feel after an intense workout in the winter.

*********************************************************************

On the days that come later in the season it’s sometimes so hot by the time you wake up that you know taking a shower is essentially pointless. You watch the morning sun come up and gradually burn off the haze of humidity that has fallen overnight.

Everything is so green and lush as you drive to work. Wild roses and tall prairie grasses line the ditches of the highway.

You spend the day working in an extremely air conditioned office and, for a few minutes, the blast of heat that hits you as you walk out of the building to the parking lot at the end of the day feels good. You can hardly breathe in the thick air and you can feel the heat radiating up off the pavement in waves. You get into your overheated car and immediately crank on the AC and roll down the windows.

You know a day like this is going to bring in violent weather and you watch the sky change as you pull out of the parking lot and onto the highway. Gray clouds swirl about as the sun begins to disappear. By the time you get home, the sunshine is a distant memory. It’s now as black as midnight and you hear the faint rumble of thunder in the distance. The sky lights up as bright as day when a bolt of lighting streaks across the sky. A few sprinkles fall on your windshield. You briefly consider rushing into the house before the sky opens up completely, but you wait, because you know that getting wet on the walk from the car into the house will feel refreshing.

***********************************************************************

And, in these moments, you are once again reminded of why people put up with Iowa winters.

New York is Full of Un-New Yorkers

2010-05-05T18:53:00.000-07:00

I realize most of my posts about NYC lately haven't been all that uplifting so I thought I would share a little something I have noticed and do enjoy about this city.

Last Friday night a friend and I were walking home from dinner when we passed a group of five friends taking pictures outside a restaurant. One of them was trying to take a photo of the other four and my friend stopped them and asked if they would like a picture that included all of them. They seemed a bit surprised and excited that someone had offered to do so.

"That's very un-New Yorker of you," they replied as my friend handed back the camera and we wished them a good night.

We looked at each other and laughed as we walked away. The truth is, in most of my experiences here, it really wasn't all that un-New York.

As I tell people all the time, New Yorkers are generally a pretty helpful and pleasant group of people. I've often seen them offer directions, hold open doors, and help old ladies on and off buses. I've been wished a good morning many times by random strangers walking past me on my way to work. I've seen many commuters thank their bus driver as they get off at their stop.

I think we realize that somewhere within the hardships of city life that we cannot change, we can make the experience better for each other in small ways. There are good days and bad days, but you can empathize in almost any situation which makes you want to help if you can.

In general I've experienced far more good from New Yorkers. And, in my opinion, it's usually the tourists acting the most "New Yorkish".

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. ~Plato

Technology is Not Social, People Are

2010-04-13T09:50:00.001-07:00

I came across this statement online a few weeks ago and have been thinking about it ever since. It's so true and recently I've been reading a lot about how most people believe the opposite. True, technology can make you feel more social, but just because you have 800+ friends on Facebook, you might not really be all that social.

Don't get me wrong, I love technology. I work on a Web site so I can't lie and say that technology is a bad thing. Social networking has allowed me to keep in touch with friends from home, this blog has given me an outlet for my thoughts, and technology has allowed us to be much more efficient. But sometimes I wonder if we are actually losing the art of being social. Lately I feel that it's harder and harder for people to live in the "offline" world.

Just today, Mashable.com posted an article summarizing the results of a survey they gave to professionals which found that smartphones and intimate relationships tied at 40% for the number one thing respondents can’t live without.

Yesterday, I read an article in the Des Moines Register where the head of my undergrad university's journalism school said, "Cell phones convey one message and one only, whether calling, texting or watching a movie, and it's that something somewhere else is more important than the person we are with."

Everyday I watch my fellow commuters immersed in their Blackberries all the way to work. I come home and watch my roommates chat online and send and receive emails all night. Walk into a bar and everyone sitting there will have a phone out in front of them. Customers in stores often talk on their phones through their entire interaction with the sales clerk.

Life is busy and I admit that I am guilty of doing the same things from time to time but I hope that I never lose that desire to interact with the real world. It makes me sad that all of this technology now means that it can be rare to even have a conversation where both parties are fully present and sometimes I just long for old school face-to-face interaction.

New York is Like Living on Another Planet Sometimes

2010-04-12T09:43:00.000-07:00

I went to DC for the first time this past weekend. A friend and I decided to head down to catch part of the National Cherry Blossom Festival and also meet up with some friends who were there for the weekend too.

Our route to DC took us through New Jersey, Delaware and Maryland. As I watched the scenery change along 95, it hit me that I hadn't left the city since November. Blocks and blocks of high rises, bodegas and 24 hour fast food joints gave way to houses with lush lawns, sprawling Home Depots and gas stations. My friend looked over at me and said, "I forget this is what America is."

I thought about it for a minute and realized she was right. This is what the majority of America is. It's what I know. I grew up with chain restaurants, shopping malls and parking lots an acre large. But for some reason it looked really weird to me as I side gazed.

It was like I had forgotten this because living in NYC is like living on another planet sometimes. There's so much going on here that it's easy to get absorbed in the immediacy of the city. Everything in this city takes place on another level. It truly is a place where you can have anything you want whenever and wherever you want it.

I had no idea I had gotten so accustomed to it this quickly and I sometimes forget that not everyone else gets the opportunity to experience that. And sometimes I also forget that New York makes me forget how much I can miss the rest.

2010-04-07T19:58:00.000-07:00

The unseasonably warm day was fading into twilight. All she wanted was to spend some time feeling. She wanted to feel the grass tickle her feet. She wanted to feel the warm breeze caress her bare arms. She wanted to feel like she had accomplished something on this day. She wanted to feel that someone wanted to listen.

As the lights in the park came on, she gathered up her things and switched on the music. Loud enough to feel it.

She slowly walked towards the bus taking in every detail of her surroundings. She wanted to feel excited about living in the city. She wanted to feel excited that half her work week was over.

But as darkness took her in all she felt was the fact that she felt excited about nothing.

She couldn't remember happiness and that made her sad.

I Hope It Will Be Worth What I Give Up

2010-04-01T18:41:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine is moving this weekend. She is leaving Iowa for a bigger city and a new adventure. I've talked to her a lot about this decision over the past year or two because I clearly remember the first steps in my journey.

The sunny, September Saturday morning that I loaded all my stuff into the back of my dad's pickup truck is so clear it seems like yesterday. The Friday before was my last day of work which gave me almost no time to fully realize the impact of the decision to attend Emerson. Once everything was loaded, I hugged my mom and as we pulled out of the driveway, I had no idea I wouldn't be returning to Iowa in a little over a year.

It was dark and raining as we pulled off the Mass Turnpike and into Brighton two days later. I was about to see my new home for the next year. I started to feel a bit nervous as we turned onto Brock Street. I was moving in with two girls I had never met in a city I had never seen to go to a school I had never visited.

We pulled up to a dark house. It was Labor Day weekend and my new roommates were both off enjoying the last weekend of summer. I found the key Sarah had left for me and let myself in. The weather was humid and made unpacking my things miserable. Once we got everything inside and the bed set up, my dad left to go to his hotel for the night.

Exhausted, I climbed into bed. I laid there, listening to the rain, wondering what I had gotten myself into.

I would be starting school in just two days. It was an intensive one year program and I was worried about the program, making new friends, and learning my way around my new city.

The loneliness I felt in the first few weeks was great. This was magnified every time I talked to friends back home and they commented on how exciting they thought my life must be now that I was in Boston. This made me feel more frustrated that I wasn't feeling happier with my decision.

So I can completely relate to what this friend is going through at the moment. I haven't lied to her and said it's going to be easy. There will be moments of loneliness, of second guessing, of wanting to give up. But, I am confident she can do this, and, looking back on all of it from four years down the road, I can absolutely guarantee it will be worth it.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
~ Mark Twain

What If I Had Said Yes?

2010-03-21T13:40:00.000-07:00

Summer 2003.

The four of us had planned a night out starting with dinner at Hickory Park in Ames before heading to Des Moines for dancing at Crush. That was how we often spent our weekend nights back then.

But it turns out this night would be different.

I can no longer recall all of the details about that night, but bits and pieces are still so clear, including the last words we spoke to one another.

"Can I go with you?" he asked.
"I'm not that kind of girl," I replied.
"I can respect that. I'll call you the next time I'm in town," he said and kissed me on the forehead before I stood up to leave.

********************************************************************************

A few hours earlier we were finishing up dinner when one of the girls with us said she wasn't feeling well and wanted to head home. Elli and I often went to Crush but we had specifically planned to go that night because our friend wanted to go. We decided to stay in Ames instead of going without her. Our other friend mentioned her fiancee and his friends were at a bar in campustown. We headed in that direction and ended up at Paddy's. We walked in and I began introducing myself to the people in the group. After a few short conversations with others, I introduced myself to him.

Most of the rest of that evening is a blur. I don't recall all of the conversation, but I do remember we never ran out of things to say. Elli would later tell me that she had tried to get my attention more than once that night and I had been completely oblivious to all around me.

All too soon the bar was closing and the group of us decided to go back to our friend's apartment for after hours. The conversation continued and soon it was 4 am.

Elli and I decided we should leave. I told him goodbye and he asked for my number before asking the question I have never forgotten.

"Can I go with you?"

I still clearly remember arriving home and walking in as the sun was coming up. I climbed into bed feeling happy and a bit sad. I laid there with his question still echoing in my mind:

"Can I go with you?"

*******************************************************************************
Why hadn't I just said yes? I hadn't wanted to leave, yet I had just met him and wasn't sure I should agree. What if he had come with me? Would we have had enough in common to have had something that would last?

We texted back and forth a few times after that night, but never actually talked again. A few months later I heard through my friend's fiancee that he had started dating someone else. I stopped communicating with him and it wasn't until my friend's wedding two years later that I saw him again. I literally ran into his fiancee coming around a corner and couldn't bring myself to go over later in the night and introduce myself.

I can never get that moment back and I am a believer in the everything happens for a reason theory, but I have to admit that I've often wondered what would have happened had I said yes to him that night.

"And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."
- Erica Jong

Rebuilding a Support Network

2010-03-06T21:13:00.001-08:00

Lately I've been struggling a lot with the loss of having a really great circle of friends and family around me. I have now been in NYC for almost two years and I'm frustrated with the fact that I am still very much lonely here.

I know that it takes time and effort to build these relationships, and believe me, I try. I've attended college alumni events, I've gone to parties where I knew no one and have even contacted people in the city I haven't talked to in years in an attempt to build myself a support network here. I work in such a small office that I have made no extracurricular friends through work. And, none of my coworkers are single or even my age either.

I spend my workdays interacting with very few people besides my coworkers and often come home to evenings full of roommates consumed with Blackberries and online chatting.

It's starting to break me.

I miss having people in my life who ask how my day was and those that care about the small daily details. I miss having friends that I can call to come over at any time of the day or night. I miss having something exciting to look forward to doing after work on a Friday night. I miss hugs. And I'm starting to wonder if maybe the ties of home win out over the city.

“We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.” - Orson Wells

In Any Real City, You Walk

2010-03-01T04:09:00.001-08:00

I've always enjoyed walking and, living in a city, I do a lot of it. So when my friend suggested I read the book The Lost Art of Walking by Geoff Nicholson, I was immediately intrigued.

"Walking had certainly always been a pleasure, but it was more than that. For me walking has to do with exploration, a way of accommodating myself, of feeling at home. When I find myself in a new place I explore it on foot. It's the way I get to know that place. Maybe it's a way of marking territory. Setting foot on a street makes it yours in a way that driving down it never does."

I've never understood the aversion some people have towards walking. To me, walking has always been a calming activity and a way to really orient myself within an environment. The first thing I do whenever I move to a new city is walk.

I walk to get places, I walk to get lost and discover new places, and I walk to understand a place.

I walk to feel a part of something. I walk to forget things. I walk to feel good physically and I walk when I'm feeling bad.

I've spent hours walking the streets of London, Boston and New York. Given the opportunity to take public transportation or walking, I will chose walking every time - well, unless it's raining in the city..I hate that. I've discovered unexpected things and encountered some interesting characters in these walks.

But the thing I enjoy the most about walking in a city is the feeling of being a part of it.

Yesterday I was taking in all the sights, sounds and smells of the city when I became acutely aware of all the people walking with me down Broadway. There were people everywhere. Passing me in all directions, each of us lost in our own little world, yet we all choose to be a part of the same city.

Sometimes this annoys me.

"During the busiest part of the day, I wasn't so much looking at people, as looking out for them, trying to avoid being bumped into, knocked aside, trampled underfoot."

But yesterday, it exhilarated me. I felt so alive among the crowd of people and didn't mind having to sidestep others along the way. The diversity surrounding me was striking. We are all a part of the same city and even though we all experience it in very different ways, we all just want to feel those ties - to the city and to each other.

Walking gives me a very real connection to the present. It allows me to develop a different type of relationship with my surroundings and, in a weird way, it allows me to feel less lonely in a city of millions where I know so few.

Creating Myself

2010-02-25T09:48:00.000-08:00

From an early age you are encouraged to plan your future.

I remember being asked in Kindergarten what I wanted to be when I grew up. I didn’t know, so I answered, “A nurse.”

A nurse?!

This is silly to me now because I can’t even handle watching ER, so I know this is definitely not my calling in life. But when you are younger, you have no idea of the opportunities out there and probably just select a "career" based on what your parents do, or what you have seen on tv or read in books.

But my thinking I wanted to be a nurse is not the point of this entry. The point is that I think all this planning leads to a life full of chasing what you think you should be chasing. I've spent too much time looking forward instead of enjoying the moment.

And the funny thing is is that my life has turned out to be nothing like I would have planned it. In most ways, it’s better, but I didn’t realize it at the time, because I was too busy worrying over the fact that things weren’t going the way I thought I wanted them to.

If I am ever lucky enough to have my own children someday, I will not ever ask them what they want to be when they grow up. Not meaning that I won't encourage them to think about the future, but I will encourage them to "plan" in a different way. I won't discourage anything they may say they want to do and I will encourage them to explore their strengths and develop their passions. I will give them all opportunities to explore everything and anything they want, but I will never let them fall into the trap of thinking they "should" be something or another.

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."
-George Bernard Shaw

Crowded in a Lonely Room

2010-02-23T20:30:00.000-08:00

According to Wikipedia, the county of New York is the most densely populated county in the United States with a population of 1,634,795 in a land area of 22.96 square miles. In Manhattan, there are 71,201 people per square mile.

There is no privacy in New York City.

The obvious is that the minute you step out of your apartment, you must be prepared to face the world. I often run straight into others just stepping out our front door in the morning. You have dog walkers,children on their way to school,construction workers, doormen, bicycle delivery men, taxi drivers, bus drivers, and emergency vehicles all assaulting your senses after you've been outside for just a mere minute. You must be mentally prepared for the invasion of your personal space and you always hope you've timed the buses correctly enough to get on before the work crowd but after the school children.

But the un-obvious is the fact that you really don't have any privacy in your apartment either. With paper thin walls, you hear all of your neighbors. I've heard many conversations in my apartment building to which I've never met the participants. I wouldn't recognize them if I passed them in the hall, but I know more about some of them than I do about people I've actually met.

I laugh about the fact that I can lie in bed and watch the television of the neighbors in the building across the street - they love football! But the reality is that you are never really alone in this city.

You Can't Go Home Again....?

2010-02-13T10:11:00.000-08:00

I appreciate small city life. Sometimes the inconveniences of living in the city make me long for the simpleness of the life I used to live. I miss having a backyard and being able to invite people over for a cookout. I miss taking my car out for a long drive on a nice day.

But more and more I realize that I need to live in a city, or at least very near one. My dream from last night that woke me with tears. To be honest, I am still a little unsettled by the intensity of this dream and I think it is trying to tell me something.

My recent feelings of discontent and unhappiness have caused me a lot of contemplation. I am at the point where I am struggling with the decision of whether or not to stay in New York City. I go back and forth in my mind on this daily.

My dream last night found me back in school at Iowa State. I had decided to go back for another degree in a two year program. I said goodbye to everyone here and moved back to Ames. In my dream, I was ok with the idea as I packed everything up. I kept telling myself I could just move back to a city when the program finished. I was fine throughout everything that came next in the dream until it came to registering for classes. I was standing in the registrar's office at Iowa State and everything hit me. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to have to wait two years to be back in the city.

I started to have a breakdown and that was the moment I realized I was awake and crying. It took me a few minutes to calm down and completely understand that it was just a dream and not reality, but even now, I still can't forget exactly how unhappy I felt.

I love so much about home and appreciate so much about the simplicity of my life there and the pace of life, but I realize that I am definitely not ready to leave a different life at the moment for that...and I may never be. It will always hold a place in my heart, but at the moment my heart is telling me that it's not my place.

"How far we all come. How far we all come away from ourselves. You can never go home again." - James Agee

Then Come On God Please Give Me 30 More

2010-02-09T17:13:00.000-08:00

In a previous post, I mentioned that I occasionally experience moments where the reality of what I'm doing hits me. This was common when I lived in London but these moments are much fewer and farther between in New York City.

This past weekend I experienced a moment of reality hitting me in a different sort.

My friend invited me to attend a going away party for a co-worker with her this past Friday. Around 10 pm, we left my apartment to catch the L train to Williamsburg. None of us had spent much time in Williamsburg before, and I had never been to this particular part of it before. We exited at the train stop and found ourselves in a very empty and somewhat sketchy neighborhood.

After passing what looked like a lot of empty buildings, we began to wonder if we had mistaken the address. Soon we came upon the street the party was supposed to be taking place on and turned down it. There were a few groups of people heading in the same direction, so we followed the street until we came upon a nondescript looking building at the end of it.

Some of the others headed in, so we knew we had to be in the right place. We walked in and found ourselves in the middle of a large, white, concrete warehouse. A DJ had set up at the front of the room and was projecting onto a large screen behind him. A small bar had been set up in the back right corner of the room and we were surrounded by hipsters wearing all the latest Urban Outfitters styles.

After spending a few hours at the party, we decide to leave and as we are walking back to the train stop, my roommate declares that we are close enough to Barcade - a place known for the arcade games lining the bar. I had never been there before but heard from others that it was a pretty cool place. We go and get enough quarters to play for awhile.

When we ran out of quarters and decided we didn't want to drink anymore, we left the bar and headed for the train. The night had been fun and seemed to have flown by. As I get into bed when I get home I notice it's a quarter to five.

A quarter to five?! That's when it hit me.

I am about to turn 30 years old and I just got home from a night out in one of the "trendy" areas of NYC. On a normal day, I would be getting up at 5 to start my day, and here I was heading to bed with the luxury of being able to sleep until 2 pm if I wanted.

I don't know many 30 year olds who can say that. Most of my friends are married with children and live a completely different life that does not allow them to be able to do such things.

So this time, my moment of shock came, not at the fact that I'm living in NYC in particular, but that I'm still able to live my life this way.

Doing More of What I Love

2010-01-22T21:17:00.000-08:00

I've loved to write my entire life.

Growing up, I would fill notebook after notebook with stories and poems. I loved writing papers in school and would often be excited about the daily journal topics Mrs. Bailey would assign us in elementary school.

I've never had a problem expressing myself through writing. Words are my thing. I was not blessed with a beautiful voice, a scientific brain, or spectacular athletic abilities, but give me a topic and a blank sheet of paper and I can make beautiful music, so to speak.

My passion for writing was one reason I took my current job. I am responsible for writing and editing web content. Perfect, right?

Well, that part of it is anyway. Every time I get the opportunity to work on writing something for the Web, I throw myself into it. I love the thrill of seeing something I've written published for others to enjoy.

I like being given the challenge of making words fit in the limited space provided and making complicated topics understandable to the masses. This process is creative and stimulating to me.

I also love working with the Web. I love making changes and seeing them reflected immediately. It's fascinating to track our site statistics. I get oddly excited each month as I see our page views grow and I love seeing how people find our site and what they use it for. I like that I am responsible for trying to make the site the best it can be for our audience. In a way, I have readers from all over the world.

These are the parts of my job that I love and the reasons I took the position I currently hold. But the sad part is, is that this portion of my job description seems to have shrunk with time. Lately my time has been divided among various uninspiring office tasks. I spend most of my days looking at Excel sheets and answering the phones now.

I find myself feeling less and less motivation each day and I'm starting to miss that creative outlet.

So when I recently stumbled upon a job posting for a writer in a position I would absolutely love I didn't think twice about submitting my resume.

As I mentioned in a previous post 2010 is going to be full of more of what I love. And more of what I love needs to apply to my professional life as well as my personal life.

City Life is so Transient

2010-01-19T19:52:00.000-08:00

I first experienced this while living and working in London. Each week brought a new going away party. There was the Australian who was moving back home to return to school and the American who was moving back to be with her husband. It was the Brit who got a new job and the Canadian who was going to try her luck living in another Commonwealth country.

It was an endless stream of goodbyes. And, living on a visa in a foreign country makes you acutely aware that someday the goodbye party will be for you.

I moved back home and soon forgot the parade of goodbyes and the novelty of meeting new coworkers every few weeks. That is, until New York.

I recently said goodbye to my first friend at NYP.

We met at orientation almost a year ago. I can clearly remember the adventure we had in finding the ID office that first day. Even though we worked in different departments, we stayed in touch throughout the course of the year. We tried to meet for lunch on a fairly regular basis and would randomly run into each other in the hallways at work. It was nice to have a friend my age who was interested in exploring the neighborhood with me.

She was from the Philippines, and like most non-native New Yorkers, had no intentions of settling in the city. I knew she was planning to return home and help run the family business, but I didn't realize it would be so soon. I met her for lunch on a Friday and she told me she was moving on Sunday.

Deja vu. It was London all over again.

Work is a little more lonely these days but I've been here before. I know that it's only a matter of time before I meet someone else to have lunch with and I've now got a standing invitation to visit Manila.

No one ever stays put in a city this large...including me. I wasn't expecting to surround myself with a permanent circle of friends here, but I have to admit, all this is still a bit surreal to a girl who spent her entire life in a town that no one ever leaves and hardly ever moves to.

Little Moments

2010-01-14T05:40:00.001-08:00

Today all it took was a simple good morning.

I've had a blah week. As I stepped out the door this morning I plugged in my headphones. I walked to the bus stop lost in my thoughts. As is the rule, no one made eye contact on the bus and I was content to zone out.

I got off the bus at 72nd this morning and stopped by the bank and the post office to complete errands all without human interaction and continued on my walk still drowning in the weight of my thoughts.

As I approached the corner of 71st and York I caught the eye of a little old man standing on the corner. He was a newspaper vendor and had no doubt been standing there in front of his crates of newspapers since before sunrise.

He smiled and me and simply said, "Good morning!"

I was caught off guard.

I had no intentions of approaching him to buy a newspaper and therefore hadn't anticipated his greeting. The light changed and, as I stepped into the crosswalk, I smiled back.

The smile still hasn't left my face. And so, even though he doesn't know it, my day is already a bit brighter than it started off.

"Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver."
-Barbara De Angelis

A New Year and A New Beginning

2010-01-06T20:20:00.000-08:00

I rang in 2009 standing in the middle of Times Square. This year I spent my New Year's Eve celebrating with friends on the Lower East Side. As we watched the ball drop from a nice warm living room I recalled our experience freezing for hours along with millions of people and was struck by how long ago that seemed and how little I could joyfully recall in between.

2009 was a pretty blah year for me. It could have been much worse - I was lucky enough to be able to land in NYC with friends and find a job - but it could also have been much better - a summer full of rain and little adventuring, too much time spent catching up financially, saying goodbye to too many people, etc.

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions, but this is the year I'm letting go of a lot of things. I'm expecting a lot out of 2010 and, for that to happen, a lot of small changes must first take place.

So while I'm not setting "resolutions" I am making some declarations:

I am going to fully experience 2010 by
* taking on more adventure and risks
* learning as much as I am allowed
* laughing more and crying less
* being more grateful for what I have and less focused on things I think I don't have
* filling my life with more love and wasting less time worrying about the people who don't love me for who I am

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.”

Goodbye 2009. I'm stepping forward.

Beautiful Catasrophe

2009-12-16T10:59:00.000-08:00

A hundred times have I thought New York is a catastrophe, and fifty times: It is a beautiful catastrophe. Le Corbusier

I know I've written about my love-hate relationship with New York City many times in this blog. Today I'm in the beautiful catastrophe frame of mind. There are some aspects of the city that are so unique and unexpected that remind you of the amazing-ness of all that goes on in a city so large.

But every once in awhile I see, hear, smell, or do something that reminds me of the uniqueness of a life lived in NYC.

The other night it was the bicycles whizzing past me as I crossed 23rd Avenue. This morning it was realizing I am going to see a movie that hasn't opened in the rest of the country and probably will never open in my hometown. Last week it was watching the scene in Elf where they showed the reporter on NY1 - yes, it's a real channel.

Yes, this city is loud, dirty, expensive and obnoxious most of the time, but every so often a moment comes along that reminds me I am living what for most people only ever remains a dream and that I should be thankful for this opportunity.

2009-12-08T05:58:00.001-08:00

New Yorkers are often characterized as being neurotic. After living in this city for the past year, I can see why and am worried that I am becoming the same.

I never feel enough of anything in New York City - pretty enough, smart enough, rich enough, etc. I am continually battling feelings of inadequacy and it's starting to make me crazy.

I'm forgetting myself.

Gone is the girl who used to be so social. I feel completely unmotivated to pursue any of the things I used to love. I've become lazy and feel restless.

Sometimes I feel I have become someone I don't recognize and I miss the me I used to be.

New York has a trip-hammer vitality which drives you insane with restlessness if you have no inner stabilizer.

Henry Miller

¡Acción de Gracias Feliz!

2009-11-18T14:29:00.000-08:00

This year will be the fourth Thanksgiving I've spent away from home. Flying home for the holiday is too expensive and too exhausting so I usually save that for Christmas. I usually don't mind missing out on Thanksgiving since a majority of my cousins only make it home for Christmas as well and I'm not a huge fan of eating turkey. Spending the holiday away from home has given me the opportunity to experience many Thanksgivings that have been memorable for different reasons.

My first Thanksgiving in Boston was celebrated with GMCA classmates. We had a turkey cooked by a Californian and an Italian complete with spinach pie made by a Greek and Korean egg rolls. Yum!

I've helped make - for the first time - a traditional Thanksgiving dinner for foreign classmates who had never experienced Thanksgiving before.

One year I celebrated in Brooklyn with another friend and her entire family. We spent the entire day eating, playing board games and watching football. And last year I celebrated with a turkey in a bag and Ben and Jerry's Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream.

This year I again plan to return to the home of the original Thanksgiving but will be celebrating with a Mexican fiesta, which is anything but traditional. Taquitos and margaritas will be on the menu with the most traditional thing being the pumpkin brownies I intend to make.

Celebrating in Boston is almost like going home for me, but I did feel a touch of melancholy the other day when a co-worker asked me if what my plans were and then proceeded to tell me about all her family coming to celebrate with her.

I will miss fighting over the pumkpin pie and I will not get to laugh with my cousins about the year that Grandma brought the plate of Kraft Singles to dinner. I will miss my Aunt's delicious stuffing and won't get to meet my little cousins who visit the other sides of their families on Christmas.

But on the bright side, it's only twenty-three more days until I leave for Iowa and get to celebrate Christmas with them all.

Boston Bound

2009-11-18T09:06:00.000-08:00

It was being let go from a temp job working at a computer engineering firm that motivated me to go to graduate school. Breaking into the PR field back home hadn't been easy and I was not ready to job hunt again. I realized there was so much more about the field that I was interested in learning and I decided that this was my opportunity to do something about it. I started applying to graduate programs in the Midwest and, on a long shot, randomly applied to Emerson College in Boston (the school I had only recently discovered while working in London) and Columbia University.

I never thought I would ever get into ether of the two East Coast schools and started seriously considering attending UNI or even UNL. Big surprise, I was rejected from Columbia, but I also got accepted into all the other schools I had applied to.

Crap!

I hadn't counted on that. I figured my decision on where to go to school would be made easier by the fact that I probably wouldn't get accepted into many of the programs to which I had applied. This presented a whole new problem. I had too many options.

Should I play it safe and stick close to home or take a huge risk and go somewhere I had never been and knew no one?

I agonized over the decision, asking everyone I knew for an opinion. As the time to put down a deposit drew closer, I found myself still unsure of what the "right" choice was for me.

The day the payment was due, I made a split second decision and chose Boston. I had to give it a shot. I had never dreamed I would get in and I took getting accepted as a sign.

Besides, it was just a one year program. If I hated it, I could move home in a year.

I announced my decision to everyone and got many shocked reactions. First, that I was going back to school and had made the decision to do so so suddenly and secondly, that I was choosing to go so far away.

I never gave my decision a second thought until a friend of mine looked over the course Web site and asked me if I was really sure that I wanted to be a part of a program that intense. I had been so excited about going back to school that I hadn't even taken time to really digest how much of a change this was going to be.

Stay tuned for part two.

Adventure of a Lifetime

2009-11-11T14:41:00.000-08:00

For over 40 years, BUNAC has been providing students the opportunity to live and work abroad. They offer programs to the UK, Ireland, Australia, New Zealand and Canada. BUNAC helps you obtain a work visa and provides support in job and flat hunting once you reach your destination. They also arranges social outings once you arrive in the country to help you make friends and really experience your temporary home.

The following excerpts came from my journal I kept while in the UK:

Upon learning that the work visa for the Britain programme was only eligible to University students for for those who had graduated within the past six months, I knew it was now or never. I started talking more and more about the possibility of doing the programme and before I knew it, I had talked my college roommate and two of my best friends from childhood into going as well.

*******************************************************

Thursday, February 6, 2003:

I awake early to say goodbye to my mom and sisters before they head off to work and school. I also want time for one final repacking of my suitcase to make sure I have everything I could possibly envision needing for the next six months. I begin to cry as I tell my mom I’m not really sure about my decision anymore.

She hugs me and says,
“You’ve always been my adventurous one and I know you’ll have a great time. Go and have fun.”

It’s a bitterly cold morning. The first snow of the season had fallen the night before and I could see my breath as I step out the front door. I struggle with my suitcase and wait for Melissa to arrive. Around 8 am, she and her dad pull up. My dad and I hop in the car and we all head for Des Moines and the airport.

We get on the plane and as the flight attendants begin their speech, I realize there is no turning back. I take one last look out the airplane window at sun shining on the snowy expanse around me and then buckle up, not knowing that this would be the last time I would see the sun for about a week.

Friday, February 7, 2003:
We arrived into London on a direct flight from Chicago O’Hare. It’s 7:30 am and the plane touches down on the runway at Heathrow. It’s gray and rainy outside and, at 50 degrees, considerably warmer than the weather had been in Iowa when we left.

We collect our luggage and head for customs. The customs officer requests to see our bank statements, work visas and return tickets. He demands we explain the BUNAC scheme to him and once we have satisfactorily convinced him we are only there to work temporarily, he grants us entrance to the country.

We are now residents of the UK for the next five months.

************************************************************

So much happened in those five short months that I could write an entire blog just about London. But I will fill you in on the one key detail you need to know for the rest of my story to make sense.

I ended up finding a job as an Editorial Assistant for Britain's largest independent publishing company while abroad. I was so excited as I set up the interview. I had always been interested in the publishing field and was excited for an opportunity to work in a place like this. My excitement grew once I got to the interview and learned the position would be working on a supplemental directory for PR Week, one of the biggest titles in my industry.

How great it would be to work on something related to my industry. It would look very impressive upon returning home and trying to break into the PR field.

My role on the directory was researching appropriate listings and helping get them ready for publication. One of the sections of the directory was education - a listing of all communications and PR programs in the States. A few schools stood out in more than one category and this was where I first became aware of Emerson College.

We enjoyed every minute of our life in London and before we knew it five months had passed.

Leaving the UK was bittersweet. There were things from home I had missed and of course I was looking forward to seeing my friends and family, but there was so much I was leaving behind as well.

************************************************
The entire ride to the airport I tried not to cry. As we drove out of the city, I watched the row houses passing by and reflected on everything that had happened since we first rode in on the Airbus. That gray, wet February morning flashed back to me in snippets. It seemed so long ago, yet I could recall is as if it were yesterday.

My thoughts turned to home and the US. I wondered how much had changed and, more importantly, how much I had changed since leaving.

Soon we were in line to board our flight. I remember the stifling heat and thinking I would be grateful for the air conditioning on the airplane. Ahead of us in line was a large group of American tourists dressed in shorts and t-shirts. They were being obnoxiously loud and kept complaining about the heat and everything else. The British couple behind us commented on their rude behavior and I remember agreeing that they should stay home if they were going to complain about the differences.

Wasn’t that exactly why people traveled? If everything were the same as what you already knew, there would be no novelty or sense of adventure in traveling.

The line began to move and Melissa and I stopped for a moment to take in one last look of England before entering the boarding ramp.

“What are you thinking?” I asked her.

“That it will probably be a long time before I see this country again,” she said.

“I know,” I said sadly and we turned and entered the aircraft.

*************************************************************

In the days that followed, I tried to readjust to American life. I know that sounds weird, but returning home to me was a culture shock. England is very similar to the US, but it’s also very different. I wasn’t even gone for a very long period of time, but it was amazing how quickly and how much I had adjusted to life in England.

People kept asking me if I was glad to be home. Yes, I was. But also, I wasn’t. I felt as if my adventure had ended just as it was really beginning. I had taken a chance on something very few people ever even consider doing. I had done it…and done it well. I felt empowered and wasn’t ready to let go of that feeling or have to start all over again already.

“A mind that has been stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes.

*************************************************************

It has now been almost seven years since I moved back from the UK and sadly, it has been seven years since I’ve set foot on European soil. I’m sure much has changed and I still dream of going back and sitting on “my” bench in Regent’s Park in the Spring.

I’m frustrated that life since then has kept me from one of my great passions in life – traveling. But I also smile reflecting on my impulsive decision so many years ago to move to a foreign country.

You see, if I had never gone to London, I would never have heard about Emerson College and the Global Marketing and Advertising program to which I would eventually apply.

And if I hadn’t lived in London, I would never have had the courage to accept a spot in the program and move all the way across my country to start a new life in a city where I knew no one.

Love

2009-11-10T14:02:00.000-08:00

She was never one to believe in love...mostly because she had always heard people make statements about things she had never experienced herself.

Now she is reconsidering everything she previously believed, yet is still trying to convince herself she doesn't believe. This time, not because she doesn't believe it exists, but because she believes that it doesn't exist for her.

Iowa State, Part II

2009-11-06T14:16:00.000-08:00

I so clearly remember my first few days at Iowa State that I can close my eyes and feel 17 again. I wanted so badly to go to a school where I would just be one of many. I had no idea just how difficult that would be at first.

My stomach hurt every day for the first week or two of college. My friends at home kept telling me how much they loved college and I just didn't get it.

I was lonely. I had gone from having a constant large group of friends for the past 12 years to essentially knowing no one. I remember feeling so lost as I spent days walking around campus not seeing one familiar face.

The classes were fine. Honestly, compared to my high school, I thought most of my first semester classes were a walk in the park. There was a lot of work, but it wasn't hard.

I begged my parents to let me transfer to UNI second semester, to which they said no. They said I had to give Iowa State a year and if I still felt the same way, then I could transfer.

Am I ever glad they did.

Flash forward four and a half years later. It's a sunny December day and I have just put on my cap and gown and descended the staircase to meet my roommates and family before heading to Hilton Coliseum for graduation ceremonies.

I was so sad to be leaving Iowa State. I had lived in Ames longer than I had lived in the house my family currently lived in. I could not go anywhere without seeing someone I knew, which my family constantly made fun of me for.

I had gotten very involved in the Greenlee School my last two years and didn't quite feel prepared for the real world. I had made some great friends at the PC and it still remains one of my favorite jobs to this day.

I would miss Buck Burgers and celebrating birthdays at Hickory Park. I would miss tailgating and house parties. Most of all I would miss my friends and being able to call Iowa State "mine."

As I left Iowa State, I wasn't stressed out about entering the job market like most graduates. I had other plans. One of my college roommates, two high school friends and I were about to leave on an adventure of a lifetime...we were moving to London, England for six months.

We planned to get jobs, live it up in the UK and then I would return to Des Moines and get a job in PR. Well, as I've now learned, life never turns out the way I think it will and it was my move to London that made all the difference in my life.

Pardon the Interruption

2009-11-06T10:49:00.000-08:00

The series of entries I was working on will continue right where I left off, but I need to write about something that I've spent quite a bit of my week thinking about.

I don't do well with idleness. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you I am constantly on the go. I was the girl who running around like crazy trying to do everything and living life as if there were never enough hours in the day. I often drove from one side of the state to the other in the same day visiting friends when I lived at home...I would attend one function only to leave and attend another.

I spent as much time as possible in the company of others.

It was the same in Boston..there was rarely a week that went by where I didn't hang out with people at least three nights during the week. I never got much sleep, but it was totally worth it. I was happy.

But here in New York that all changed. I don't have that circle of friends here, nor do I have the funds for all that and it's been a rough transition at times. I'm having a really hard time without that support network and busyness.

Don't get me wrong, I have learned to slow down a bit more, which is great and I still crave alone time every once in awhile, but lately less interaction and more alone time seems to be more of the norm than the exception and it's starting to make really wonder if this is the kind of life I want.

I was trying to voice some of my frustrations to a friend last night and she told me that I should accept the fact that no one is ever really doing what they love. She said I should realize that and just focus on other things. But I don't want to do that. I miss having things to be excited about and look forward to...I miss being happy. I don't want to live a life that lacks these qualities and that is what has made me really start questioning my decision to live in NYC lately.

I'm starting to get impatient with NYC but instead of moving on, maybe I need to remember I'm here for a reason...and if the reason isn't for me, maybe it's for someone else...and by helping others, maybe I will help myself.

Iowa State, Part I

2009-11-05T10:10:00.001-08:00

When it came time to apply for colleges I knew only one thing - I wanted to go somewhere big where I didn't run into everyone I knew all of the time. My parents kept reminding me that anywhere I went was going to be bigger than what I what used to, but I didn't listen. I never considered community colleges or the very nearby University of Northern Iowa. I really wanted to go to a large university out of state but my parents - thankfully - talked me out of having to go to a school where I would have to pay out of state tuition.

That pretty much left me with one of two options - The University of Iowa in Iowa City or Iowa State University in Ames. I hadn't decided on a major yet so choosing a school based on the curriculum wasn't very helpful. I grew up in Eastern Iowa and in a family full of Hawkeye (University of Iowa) fans. I loved Iowa City. It was very liberal and such a great town. But I fell in love the minute I visited the Iowa State campus. It was beautiful and compact. In fact, Iowa State is one of only three colleges to have received the American Society of Landscape Architects medallion award given to outstanding landscape sites. I knew only five of my classmates planned to also attend Iowa State and it was settled.

I applied and was accepted in October and put the decision out of mind with all the bustle of finishing senior year.

Flash forward to August and the night before I planned to leave for school. I had to leave for school at 6 am to be there in time for work orientation and here I was coming home at 2 am from one last night out with my high school friends. I wasn't finished packing and my mom was furious with me.

"If you forget anything, that's going to be your fault."

"Mom, if I forget anything, I will be home again and can pick it up then."

Facing the pile of stuff I had yet to pack and the memories of the fun and laughter from earlier that night, the reality of my decision began to sink in.

Suddenly, I began to panic. What was I doing? Did I really want to go somewhere without knowing anyone really?

And this was the beginning of my impulsive, crazy moves to places where I am forever starting my life over.

Just a Small Town Girl

2009-11-03T09:28:00.000-08:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the future lately which leads to a lot of thinking about the past. My next few blog entries are going to be a little break from the usual. I am going to take a little trip into the past and revisit all of the things in my past that have led me to my current location.

First stop on the tour: high school.

I had the unique experience of attending school with the same group of people since first grade and living in a town small enough (with a population of only around 700) that you saw your friends at least six days a week during the school year because everyone went to the same church on Sunday.

I also had the unique experience of mingling with various "crowds" throughout it all. There were a group of "popular" kids in my school, but not in the typical sense that you see portrayed on television. Everyone hung out with their own group outside of school, but during the day at school everyone interacted and was mostly pleasant to one another.

There were times we were grateful to know each other so well and there were also times that it was frustrating that everyone seemed to know your business before you did.

Sometimes it was hard to change. People weren't always willing to let others be anything other than they were in elementary school.

High school was busy for me: playing in band; working on the yearbook staff; singing in choir; volunteering; playing softball, volleyball and golf; and being a part of National Honor Society, among many other things. But my friends and I found plenty of time for shenanigans - I know none of us will ever forget our trips to the Perry Band Olympics, the Mitch Mobile, or a certain someone posting up an article in the hallway during lunch.

I was so lucky to be one of those people who overall enjoyed the high school experience. Even though I wouldn't choose to go back, I have some great stories from my high school days.

It was this small town experience though that influenced all of the decisions I made post high school. When it came time to decide on a college, I only desperately wanted to break away and go somewhere that I could have the experience of being just one person among many, but that's another story and a new post.

As Seen on TV

2009-10-28T05:41:00.000-07:00

At the gym this morning the video to Rob Thomas' new single Someday caught my eye. There was something very familiar about the street he was walking down. I knew I recognized it, but was having a hard time placing exactly which street it was. I watched for a few minutes until I finally recognized the Madison Square Park banners in the background and at the end of the video I saw the famous Flatiron building in the background.

That was it! I spend hours in Madison Square Park so I couldn't believe it took me so long to place it.

When you live in New York it's weird watching the city on TV.

There's the beautiful view of the skyline that you see in so many movies that you often forget exists because you never see that vantage point living on the island. Each time I see that I remember why people are so enchanted with New York and actually find myself thinking of the city as beautiful.

Before, watching TV shows about New York City didn't really mean much. Now it's kind of exciting for me to watch them and try to place the streets and landmarks. I watched an episode of Gossip Girl the other day that was filmed at the end of my block. I recognized Irving Place in an instant and then immediately remembered all the cones set up on the street a few months back.

Watching old Seinfeld episodes are almost always even funnier now because the references and jokes take on even greater significance once you also have to deal with all that comes with living in this city. The last time I saw the episode where Elaine gets trapped on the Subway on her way to a party I couldn't help but laugh remembering all the times the train stops in between stations and the train is so crowded you are being held up by the people next to you and all you want to do is make it to the next stop so you can get out.

Each time I watch these shows though I still can't believe it's the same place I call home at the moment.

2009-10-22T14:09:00.000-07:00

"Another time..another town..another everything - Shattered, O.A.R."

I posted these lyrics as my G-Chat status today. So very appropriate since I've spent the past few days revisiting the past.

I know I previously blogged about how I've often felt that I've lived many lives in order to get to where I am now. I often reference things I want to do in my next life, but I guess in a way, I've already been given the opportunity to live some past lives.

Would any of you believe the now Ivy-League employed Web girl living in Manhattan once helped milk a hundred dairy cattle? Or that she is the same girl who used to Karaoke on Monday nights at a really bad Mexican restaurant in her college town - (but always loved the company she was with :) while doing so? Would you have guessed that I used to file medical records for 8 hours a day and that was still one of the best jobs I've ever had? Do you believe that I've driven both a Ford F350 and a Mercedes?

Some of the previous versions of my life barely resemble my life today. I miss all of the wonderful people who were a part of each and every one of these experiences but I don't think I'm quite "there" yet. I'm starting to think about my next life...and another town, another place, another everything...

Slow Seduction

2009-10-14T10:27:00.000-07:00

My friend Emily and I always laugh when she says the Boston Red Sox seduced her, but lately I've been giving a lot of thought to the concept of seduction:
Seduce: 1. to persuade to disobedience or disloyalty. 2. to lead astray usually by persuasion - Merriam Webster

When I first moved to the East Coast I had no intentions of staying out here. My plan was to complete my Master's program and then return back to Des Moines and find a job.

But somewhere along the way I've fallen in love. I've fallen for the Boston Red Sox, the way the East Coast works hard and plays hard, leisurely weekend brunches, beach weekends, train travel, and laying out in the park. It was a combination of all these small things that, over time, got me.

A good friend of mine just today told me that she is moving back to the Midwest after living on the West Coast for two years. She has bittersweet feelings about it and I know exactly how she feels. It's something no one else can completely understand unless they've left home and fallen in love with something else.

I still miss so very much about home and will defend it endlessly, but a part of me is now starting to realize that I may never be truly content there ever again.

It took awhile, but Em, I think I'm ready to admit the East Coast has seduced me.

Attempting to Make the Midwest a Little Less Terrifying

2009-10-03T05:33:00.000-07:00

As I've mentioned in this blog before, I get all kinds of responses when I tell people where I'm from. They range from off the wall to incredibly ignorant. I would then get upset and spend too much time and energy trying to correct their misconceptions. Eventually I grew tired of this and stopped. It turns out someone was listening...and that someone was someone I would have never expected.

One of my roommates is a native New Yorker. From the day we met, he declared the midwest to be "terrifying" and just "fly-over country". I continually tried to educate him on the midwest in general and Iowa in particular, but three years later it still hadn't seemed to matter. I assumed it was going in one ear and out the other.

But I was wrong. He came home from work the other day and proudly told me he had spent the afternoon telling his boss all about Iowa. What?!

Yes, it was true. They had just signed a new licensee from the Southeast corner of my state. His boss had the same typical reaction everyone does when they hear the word Iowa and, to my surprise, my roommate said he started telling him all I had shared with him in the past.

I guess someone was listening while I felt I was just talking to hear myself talk.

For anyone else who cares to listen:

Iowa is not flat:
"Despite popular perception, Iowa is generally not flat; most of the state consists of rolling hills. Prior[13] divides Iowa into eight landforms based on glaciation, soils, topography, and river drainage. Loess hills lie along the western border of the state, some of which are several hundred feet thick.[14] In the northeast, along the Mississippi River, is a section of the Driftless Zone, which in Iowa consists of steep hills and valleys which appear almost mountainous."

We do not all live on farms...and no one lives in a teepee:
"Iowa's population is more urban than rural, with 61 percent living in urban areas in 2000, a trend that began in the early 20th century.[45]"

"While Iowa is often viewed as a farming state, in reality agriculture is a small portion of a diversified economy, with manufacturing, biotechnology, finance and insurance services, and government services contributing substantially to Iowa's economy."

We do set some trends...the important ones:
"In the 19th century Iowa was among the earliest states to enact prohibitions against race discrimination, especially in education."

"As with racial equality, Iowa was a vanguard in women's rights in the mid 19th century.." "In 1847, the University of Iowa became the first public university in the U.S. to admit men and women on an equal basis.[92] In 1869, Iowa became the first state in the union to admit women to the practice of law, with the Court ruling that women may not be denied the right to practice law in Iowa and admitting Arabella A. Mansfield to the practice of law."
(all facts came from the great Wikipedia..my roommates' most trusted source of knowledge.)

There's much more, but I'll stop now just in case no one is listening.

Big Lights Will Inspire You

2009-09-29T19:48:00.000-07:00

I was crossing 2nd Ave. when it hit me this morning. It was beautifully sunny and my iPod was blasting away as I came to the intersection of 75th and 2nd. A crowd of people surrounded me and as I was watching the fruit stand man across the street rearranging a large pile of bananas and the taxis racing past me, I felt a weird sensation come over me.

"I'm living in Manhattan. I can do absolutely anything."

Weird, I know. I mean I know I live in Manhattan, but most of the time I don't realize I live in Manhattan if that makes any sense. I clearly remember moments experiencing this in London. The first came very early - maybe because it was so different or maybe because I was so excited to be living there.

I can't tell you how many times I've been told by friends back home that they've always wanted to live in Manhattan. Truth is, I never did and living in this city is not always glamorous and non-stop fun. But once you live in a city and start to feel comfortable, you definitely feel empowered. You feel like you are strong enough to survive anything else life will throw at you.

I had forgotten that feeling lately. Standing on that street corner I was reminded of how much I love about living in a city and, right now, those feelings are the only thing holding me back from packing up and moving back home already.

"One hand in the air for the big city, street lights, big dreams all looking pretty..."

Revisting Old Dreams

2009-09-24T11:04:00.000-07:00

“I had almost given up on the reality that living there was a real possibility.”

This was the statement that hit me in a conversation I had last night with my roommate who recently returned from a trip to Greece.

This morning I’m still thinking about that statement.

My affinity for London and European culture never died, it’s just been buried as time has passed.

The sadness that I felt boarding that American Airlines flight back to the US in July of 2003 is still crystal clear in my mind. I knew I was leaving behind an experience and a city that I had loved more than anything I had previously experienced. I wasn’t done living there and my heart was heavy that day because I knew it would probably be a long time before I was again in the UK.

In the first few months that followed returning stateside, I schemed of all the ways I could return to London. I applied for a job with the American office of my British company; I applied to American Universities with the thought that maybe I could do BUNAC again; and even applied to a few British University programs. But none of these worked out for me.

As time passed, I discovered Emerson’s Global Marketing and Communications program and applied as a compromise. I would be learning more about the field I love while working with people from other cultures - which I really missed having returned to Iowa. I would also be developing skills that could put me closer to getting a job overseas.

But after graduation, I once again got caught up in the details of daily life and I’m sad to realize that six years have passed already since I set foot on European soil. Circumstances always seem to get in the way and I also realize I let go of the dream somewhere in that time span. I had convinced myself to be practical and that moving back wasn’t a real possibility.

No other city has ever made me feel as instantly at home as London did and somewhere along the way I resigned myself to never being able to have that feeling again. But this conversation brought all those feelings flooding back and because nothing else is making me as happy here right now, when it’s time to start seriously considering my next move, it might be time to revisit that dream.

My Own Story of the Day

2009-08-10T18:44:00.001-07:00

In the style of Story People, I've created my own:

Torn between an old me and a new me and not entirely sure if I can be either.

I was on the phone the other night with a friend at home who's been married for 5 years with two little girls. In the middle of the conversation I was struck by just how different her life is from mine and how different my life used to be. I miss so many things about home at times, but then I also love all of the things I've gotten to do living in the city.

In some ways I feel like I never really lived before this, but I didn't know that before because I was happy with my life before. I want to feel a bit more settled in time but I don't want to have to give up one for the other.

I want to be both me's....a better me.

Personality Types

2009-07-30T16:24:00.000-07:00

People often tell me I am a mystery to them and I usually get people trying to typecast me according to my birth order or star sign - to which I always get the same response - you don't fit the typical Virgo mold.

I do agree that environment and other outside factors have some influence on personality, but I also think that a lot of personality is predetermined. I've never really found anything that describes me so well until I stumbled upon the Myers-Briggs personality test that a friend wrote about in a recent blog.

After reading her post, I was curious and decided to take the test myself. I soon found out I was an INFJ, or an Introverted Intuition Feeling Judging personality. According to the results this personality type appears in only 1% of the population.

As I read the traits associated with the INFJ personality, I was amazed at how much I feel I relate to my personality type.

Here is what Myers-Briggs says:

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.

INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.

In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.
---

If you have a chance, take the test yourself. I'm curious to see if anyone else feels the same about their results.

Dreams and Recipes for Soup

2009-07-17T17:21:00.001-07:00

"This is a bag filled with dreams & recipes for soup & he's deciding right now which he's really hungry for. -Story People"

I came across this the other day while re-reading one of Brian Andreas' Story People books. He always has the best way to describe exactly what I'm thinking.

This particular story jumped out at me because I've been thinking a lot about what it is I'm really hungry for lately.

I love my job at the moment and I know I am getting to do so many things that most people never get to do but at times I fear that I won't ever get to have what everyone else has either.

Living in NYC is fun at times, but it means living paycheck to paycheck. Forget about vacations...I can't even afford to visit home. I don't own anything, not even a couch, and won't anytime soon since moving is a huge pain. Our apartment is so small that my old love for throwing dinner parties is out of the question, not to mention the fact that all my friends who loved attending them don't live anywhere in this time zone.

At almost 30 this is not the way I envisioned my life.

Which makes me think that it may be time to decide if I'm still hungry for the dreams or if it's time to be happy with the soup.

Finally, something I do <3 about NYC

2009-07-15T18:15:00.000-07:00

Last night I finally got to experience one of the famous NYC summer events that everyone always talks about - the New York Philharmonic was giving a free concert in Central Park complete with fireworks. I love the symphony, the park and great weather so when I heard about this I couldn't say no. Last year over 63,000 people attended the concert so I knew I had to be prepared for the crowds. I ended up being incredibly lucky in the fact that my coworkers friends were able to get to the park around four to reserve us all a spot.

I stopped by the grocery store after work to pick up dinner and then met up with another friend. We arrived at Central Park around 7 and began hunting for the orange balloons my friend promised marked their spot. We walked around the Great Lawn and saw people of all ages. There were groups eating everything from sandwiches to plates of cheese and wine. People had marked off their areas with anything they had and we saw many large flags and mylar balloons, which made finding the promised orange balloons a bit difficult, but my friend had given us good directions and we found them fairly quickly anyway.

At 8 pm the concert started. A selection of Beethoven and Bach filled the air as the stars began to come out. The concert ended with a beautiful fireworks display.

At that moment I was reminded of how much fun it can be to live in NYC and to be able to take advantage of something so unique.

Excuse me, do you have any spare change?

2009-07-09T17:45:00.000-07:00

If I had a dollar for every person that has asked me for money in this city I could probably stop working right now.

This morning as my roommate and I waited for the bus a man approached and asked us for change. When we told him no, he started cursing us out as he walked on to disturb the person next to me. The truth is, I don't carry change around and I rarely even carry cash. In a plastic world I use a debit card for everything so I wasn't lying to him as he suspected.

The other day I was walking home from work with my headphones on to purposefully avoid having to talk to the bums and charity workers that always try and stop me on the streets when a man comes by and taps me on the shoulder. I reluctantly removed my headphones and he asks me if I speak English. I warily answer yes and he begins telling me some story about how he's been stuck in the city all night, lost his wallet and needs money. I gave him a dollar to send him on his way but couldn't help but walk away feeling angry.

The thing is, he may have been telling the truth but in a city where you get bothered every single walk you take, you lose patience quickly. And I know this makes me a bad person, but in a city that never shuts up sometimes you just want a peaceful commute.

My Bucket List

2009-07-07T19:22:00.000-07:00

A long time ago I started a bucket list of sorts. It's been a running list of all the things I would love to do in life. Since moving to the East Coast I have been able to check off three or four things - in addition to adding a few more :)

I now have one more to check off my list - camping in Acadia National Park. I have always heard stories about the beauty of Acadia. It's been somewhere I wanted to visit long before moving to Boston.

The park is a 6 hour drive from Boston and while I lived there I never had the chance to see it. So this year when I heard I had a long weekend for the Fourth, I took advantage of it and started planning a road trip.

Four friends and I left Boston very early Friday morning. I was excited to see the park, excited to see my friends, excited for a road trip and excited to get out of the city.

The drive was easy and traffic free. We arrived in Bar Harbor around 2pm and headed to our campground. Attempting to assemble rented tents was a bit of a challenge, but we soon had a home and headed out for dinner. We found a little seafood restaurant with a beautiful deck and decided it was nice enough for a drive to the top of Cadillac Mountain where we were lucky enough to see an amazing sunset from the mountaintop before heading back to camp.

Driving up Cadillac Mountain

View from dinner

The next morning we awoke freezing and to a thick blanket of fog. We headed to Jordan Pond and began the 3 mile hike around the lake. We headed down the path blindly and we surprised when we ended up back where we started a few hours later to see the famous Bubbles had been next to us all along!

Jordan Pond

The next stop was Sandy Beach. We had a picnic lunch before napping on the beach for a bit. We saw a few more sights before deciding to head into Bar Harbor for the evening fireworks.

We found a patch of grass in the town square and patiently waited for the fireworks to begin. They were beautiful but the rain hit at the very end and we soon found ourselves dashing back to the car.

We headed back to the campsite knowing there would be no marshmallow roasting for us. We bundled up for bed - seriously, I was wearing four shirts, two pairs of pants and two pairs of socks in JULY!!

The next morning we awoke to the sun and we sadly started packing up our gear. We made one last stop in the park at Bass Harbor Head Lighthouse before getting back on the road.

It was a wonderful weekend and I'm already looking forward to a return visit when I can stay longer!

It's finally summer

2009-06-15T20:43:00.001-07:00

At least it should be if the weather ever decides to cooperate. I have honestly never been one to eagerly await summer. I always dreaded the hot, muggy days back home that made you want to take a second shower the minute you stepped foot outside your door. I hated days where the air was so heavy it hurt to breathe outdoors. I used to count down the days until the crisp fall air rushed in again.

But there are also some things that you only get to experience in summer that are completely blissful - fireflies flittering around after dark, the sound of a cooling rainshower lulling you to sleep, the feel of a cool breeze drying you off after getting out of the pool or sprinkler on a hot day.

Summers on the East Coast have brought new additions to this list - watching the sunset on the beach, lazy days and picnics in the park, scenic drives along the coast, and eating fresh seafood.

In my recent trip back to Boston some friends and I made a visit to The Barking Crab for dinner on a perfect day. This seafood restaurant in a tent is on the Harbor and has the feel of being a million miles from the city.

Live bands play..and of course, the Sox. I've seen people dance and everyone is forced to mingle in such close quarters.

Our lobster patiently waiting for a table

We grabbed a pitcher of beer and were soon seated at a picnic table with two couples. All around us people were cracking open lobster claws with large rocks and peeling shrimp shells into plastic buckets. Fancy it's not, but it's definitely fun.

I think I just may not want summer to ever end.

Like a jealous ex-girlfriend

2009-06-15T20:23:00.001-07:00

That's exactly how I feel when I realize I can no longer call Boston and New England home. I went back to visit this weekend and I felt incredibly sad to feel like more than a tourist but less than a resident. It was a weird experience. I have so much fun with my friends there, but to know I'm not going to be sleeping in my own bed at the end of the night or hear them make plans for the week that I can no longer take part is somewhat surreal still.

Not a lot has changed since I "left" and I know it's only a matter of time before street names start fading and places start changing. While I know this was a decision I had to make, it's also a decision that still hurts.

It's amazing

2009-05-13T16:10:00.000-07:00

how lonely I feel in the busiest place I've ever lived.

In NYC,I'm constantly surrounded by millions of people. I see more people riding the Subway in one day than live in the entire town I grew up in, but somehow I feel very alone here most of the time.

Maybe it's the busy-ness that exaggerates the feeling. It seems everyone always has somewhere to go or something to do and friends or family to do it with. Sometimes it makes me sad to look in on it and remember that I once had that.

Yes, it's great to live in a city with a million things to do, but it's not that great when you have to do them all by yourself.

I know it takes time. This isn't the first time I've started over. Every time I leave a place I get sad because I realize I am always leaving behind these great lives. Lives that I created in a situation where I once felt this same loneliness.

So I know I need to be patient and maybe I will even surprise myself and find myself crying when I leave this city.

Park life

2009-05-06T19:26:00.000-07:00

As much as I enjoy the city, I also love getting a break from it too.

In Boston one of my favorite past times was sitting in the Common. I would go to the Common to read, people watch and contemplate life decisions. You could find me out there on a Saturday afternoon, an evening after work and sometimes even after dark watching the stars. I had many conversations with tourists in the Common and it always made me feel happier if I were feeling lonely or sad.

Now that the weather is getting nicer, I find myself looking for a similar oasis in NYC. Here are a few photos from my explorations.

Central Park

Prospect Park

A World of Its Own

2009-04-28T17:49:00.000-07:00

It may be hard to believe, but this is the first time I've lived in an apartment building. After living in the dorms for two years in undergrad, three friends and I rented a small house and never looked back.

There were many reasons we felt houses were superior to apartments:

*Having a yard meant we could own a grill and host summer parties
*Lots of basement storage
*Driveways and parking out front
*Being able to be as loud or as quiet as we wanted anytime
*And,in all of my houses before Boston, we were lucky enough to have our own washer and dryer

So to me the move to an apartment was both exciting and sad at the same time. Living in a ridiculously small, old and overpriced apartment in Manhattan is the dream. If you are lucky enough to find one in a great neighborhood like Gramercy, you are envied every time someone hears you mention your address.

Our apartment building was built in 1902 and is pretty large by Manhattan standards. We put up a wall and converted a two bedroom into a three bedroom. The walls are thin so you are always conscious of the fact that you can't be too loud. But living in the city you get pretty used to the idea that you really have no privacy anyway.

We have very little storage space, but we've gotten creative. The lack of space though is positive. It has made me eliminate a lot of possessions and now I always think twice before purchasing things. I will be all set when it comes time to move out :)

I enjoy passing my neighbors in the hallway and trying to deduce what their lives are like through brief exchanges and observation. I know there is an older Irish guy who lives on the top floor. I know the three girls next door love karaoke and I also know the guy who lives above me works in Midtown because I've seen him on the bus. I know the mailman and the housekeeping lady.

I still miss having a yard and having more space, but when you live in a city as large as NYC, sometimes your apartment building makes the world seem just a bit smaller.

Remembering Who I Am

2009-04-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

"I've always liked the time before dawn because there's no one around to remind me who I'm supposed to be so it's easier to remember who I am."
-Story People (http://www.storypeople.com/storypeople/Home.do - for those of you unfamiliar with their amazing stories.)

This quote is so perfect for my life right now.

Each morning I get up at 6 am to do yoga before work. The city is finally "quiet" in these moments and all I have to focus on is me. In those moments everything I want and want to be is clear.

Growing up in a small town I felt as if I was always being told who I was supposed to be but living in the city makes me constantly have to make an effort to remember myself.

It took me leaving home and all the hard times along the way for me to fully realize who I am and who I want to be. The hard part for me now is knowing that and knowing that that me can never be found in NYC.

I don't <3 NYC

2009-04-06T19:59:00.000-07:00

It seems everyone's first question upon learning I am fairly new to the city is how do I like it. I usually answer with the standard I'm still getting used to it but I recently realized the true answer is that I don't. Yet, I always hesitate to say it and keep finding myself feeling forced into making myself want to like it because everyone else just seems to love it.

And you know, I did love it...when I could visit but didn't have to live here. When I could spend money on fun things in the city instead of a $6 box of crackers. When I could go out until 5 am and not be irritated with the noise at 4 am when all I want to do is sleep. When I didn't realize that the overflowing trash cans in the Subway stations weren't just a weekend thing.

I do love city life, but I'm just not sure NYC is the right city for me...and maybe it's about time I was ok with admitting that.

Reflecting on past lives

2009-03-02T20:11:00.000-08:00

There are a few moments in my life that I can close my eyes and recall so clearly that it is almost as if I am back in the moment. These snippets are of many different "stages" in my life and in some ways it's hard to look back now and feel like some of them were my life. Some because I was a very different person and some because so much time has passed.

I have loved each and every adventure and, at the time, each and every adventure was something I never wanted to give up. Also, If I would have never given them up I would have never gotten the chance to go on to the next.

It always breaks my heart to give up the things I love in these situations, but in doing so, I have been lucky enough to keep close the people I've loved along the way and have also discovered other things along the way that I love.

I am still struggling to find complete contentment but remembering this gives me the courage to take risks and make changes that I may not feel I want to make, but maybe need to make.

Snow days and grateful to be a true Midwesterner

2009-03-01T21:13:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning to the most snow I've ever seen in NYC...and by that I mean maybe 8 inches. Which, granted, is a good amount, but given the fact that there has been no significant snowfall to date that this piled on top of, it really doesn't seem like the end of the world.....I guess unless you haven't been raised in the Midwest.

Schools in the city were canceled today. People were calling into work...even though they ride the Subway and take city buses. I took a call or two today asking if Cornell was closed.

I can recall only one day in my entire undergrad career where classes were canceled and that was only after making us all suffer through morning classes. And I can assure you, those 10 inches that fell that afternoon were magnified by the 20 inches or so that had accumulated by mid-March.

In the Midwest people will get up and drive 25 mph through white out conditions to make it to work.

To be fair, we get more crappy weather - which we all like to complain about. But you know what, today I was grateful for all those experiences. I was probably one of the only people in the city smiling on my way to work today. Smiling because I was reminded of home...and to me this really didn't feel that bad.

Shopping in NYC

2009-02-18T16:18:00.000-08:00

I am always struck by the uniqueness of everything in NYC. It seems everything in the city is an exception to the norm. One thing that still amuses me is going into a store and seeing the escalators for shopping carts. You will find these curious conveyor belts in grocery stores, the Target store and even Home Depot.

To make the best use of space, stores are often multilevel and it's easy to get people up and down using traditional escalators, but if you want to take your purchases with you you must push your cart onto the adjacent belt and when you get to the bottom, your cart is magically waiting for you.

I don't think many people find this nearly as interesting as I do...I guess I am easily amused...

...and easily annoyed.

I generally don't shop much in the city because it is also hard to browse in such cramped quarters. For example, I found myself in The Container Store on Saturday with no intention of buying anything. I had never been in the store before and just wanted to see what they sold. I ended up walking out about two minutes later after getting trapped in nearly every aisle I walked down.

But the ultimate annoyance here is grocery shopping. It's not much fun in general, but is especially frustrating at Trader Joe's and the store in Union Square in particular. Because Trader Joe's is so much cheaper than any other grocer in the city and because there are only two in NY (this the only Manhattan location) it's often as crazy as a Best Buy the day after Thanksgiving.

There have been days I have waited in line outside the store to even get in and nights I have gone to the store only to find completely bare shelves and nothing that I am looking for. The lines to check out often wrap around the entire store and although they always move fairly quickly it makes it difficult to browse the aisles.

So while I could shop for probably anything I've ever wanted in NYC, I don't. My empty kitchen cupboard can attest to that.

Working Girl!

2009-02-10T20:50:00.000-08:00

After not really working full time since last March I am so happy to be a working girl again! The on again, off again job hunt and freelancing bit was getting a bit old and this week I started my new job as a Website Coordinator for Weill Cornell Medical College.

It makes me so happy to get up in the morning and feel like I have something meaningful to do every day. I know I walked to the train stop this morning with a big smile on my face.

Luckily, the 6 train stops at Union Square so my commute each morning is a painless five stops - a far cry from my daily battles with icy hill of death and my 45-90 minute T ride each day in Boston!!

I work in an office of about 12 and everyone there is incredibly nice and made me feel at home immediately.

My job in particular is to assist with the newly redesigned Website. I get to write content, proof, and update the site. This afternoon was my first chance to get in and work with the site. I was able to help create a style sheet and I already have a list of changes I want to make.

I am excited to make the site the best it can be and look forward to everything ahead of me in this new position.

Single in the City

2009-02-04T21:23:00.000-08:00

Ever since I moved to the city my friends here have been trying to extol the virtues of Match.com in an effort to get me to join.

I admit it's tempting. I want to meet more people in the city and my friends who have done it are perfectly normal people who have met other perfectly normal people. I would love to have someone to share my days and adventures with and want to have someone who shares my interests to go out and experience the city with.

But I hesitate...and not because I think it's weird to meet someone online.

I don't know if I really believe that I will meet someone perfect for me in doing it and I also don't know if I even believe in love anymore.

Not that I don't believe in the existence of love. I have friends and family that I love dearly and would do absolutely anything for.

I have friends who are in relationships where they are clearly and truly in love with one another. I see them and I think they are perfect examples of what love is meant to be.

It's maybe more that I wonder if everyone is destined to find that sort of love in their lifetime.

Moving around so much has definitely made the whole idea seem even further off for me. I am starting to think that maybe it's just not in my future..and you know what, I think I am also starting to be ok with that.

Mission: To Love NYC

2009-01-24T09:30:00.000-08:00

I spent most of yesterday feeling homesick - although not necessarily homesick for home. Just homesick for old lives where I was completely content and spent all my spare time hanging out with really great friends.

Getting people to understand this homesickness is hard. Friends from home always respond by asking why I don't just pack up and head back immediately and friends here don't really get it because they all just love NYC and claim to not imagine living anywhere else.

I don't hate the city, but I also don't love it enough to picture never living elsewhere.

I mentioned this to a friend last night and he has decided it's his job to make me love NYC. He has promised to show me all the best places in the city and the things he's discovered that make this city unique and loveable.

I'll keep you posted on the progress.

Airline aggravation, round 2

2009-01-15T11:36:00.000-08:00

My frustration with air travel from my Christmas visit home has barely subsided and I once again find myself frustrated by the airline industry. This morning I started searching for tickets home for my youngest sister's high school graduation. Tickets into Moline are about $185 compared to $389 to fly into Waterloo.

Why is it so freaking expensive to fly into Iowa?! No wonder I never get to go home.

I could fly to a foreign country for less than it costs me to fly within my own country.

There are limited national carriers that fly into Iowa and none of them offer anything direct. This is where I lose time, money, and most often, my patience. All of my horrible airline stories involve a connection issue of some sort and most often O'Hare. So you can see why I don't love that place.

It literally costs me more to fly the 45 minutes from Chicago, Minneapolis, St. Louis, where ever, to Des Moines than it costs me to fly a leg from Boston or NYC to one of those hubs.

Can someone please get Jet Blue or Southwest to fly into Des Moines? I would be eternally grateful.

Feeling "home" less

2009-01-10T15:21:00.000-08:00

Ever since my visit home for the holidays I have been contemplating the meaning of home.

The place where I grew up will always be home, yet I no longer consider it home in the sense that it is where I belong, if that makes any sense.

Flying back into Logan last Christmas I found myself feeling at peace when I saw the Boston skyline. It surprised me to discover that I felt as if I were coming home.

Boston is technically the first city I had lived in without having to be there for some reason. I wasn't living there because I had to be there for school (Although that is why I first moved there. I made a choice to stay there afterward). It had become home to me because I had developed a great circle of friends, my job was there, and in essence, I had created a "home" there.

Flying into LaGuardia this Christmas was weird. I found myself not all that excited to return as I boarded the plane in Illinois and the sight of the city lights below as the plane descended did not give me the same warm feelings the skyline in Boston does when I see it. I know it's probably because I haven't had the time to make NYC a "home" but part of me wonders if it will ever feel like home.

All I know is that I have been gone from my real home long enough that I didn't feel at home in the quite the same way this year and I also didn't feel like I was returning to a "home" in coming back to NYC either.

I just hope that when I decide to return to Boston my "home" there is still there.

Welcoming 2009 NYC style

2009-01-05T14:59:00.000-08:00

A long time ago I started a little list of things I wanted to accomplish at some point in my life. I get it out every once in awhile and make additions to it. Now I can cross another thing off of it - seeing the ball drop in Times Square on New Years Eve.

I am not a big fan of New Years. It seems everything is usually over hyped and doesn't live up to expectations. But for some reason I have always wanted to spend a New Year's in Times Square. I can remember watching Dick Clark and the countdown on TV and thinking that it looked like so much fun. I hated watching it being replayed for all of us in the Central time zone and knowing that it was not live.

As a resident of NYC I decided this was my year to do it. If not, I never would. I was lucky enough to have some friends crazy enough to want to do it too and we began researching what spending the evening in Times Square would entail. We learned there were no bathrooms and no food vendors, you couldn't mill about, and that backpacks and other large bags were not allowed.

We knew it was going to be cold and tried to create the warmest possible combination of clothing before heading out. I ended up wearing some long underwear I had from my undergrad tailgating days, three shirts, three pairs of socks, and all the winter gear I could possibly fit on. I was sweating on the way out of my apartment but knew it wouldn't last.

We arrived in Times Square around 5 pm and found ourselves stuck in a very large crowd waiting to pass through a security checkpoint. Once we made it through, we were led into one of the "pens" about eight blocks from the ball. (Apparently the people in front must have arrived midday. But as far as I could tell, the only benefit to being closer was being able to actually hear the entertainers - definitely not worth being there for another 4 or 5 hours more.) Each pen contained a few hundred people which helped a bit in keeping us all a bit warmer.

Then the waiting began. We stood around for a few hours trying to ignore cold noses and toes. Around 8 pm my friends and I started to reconsider our decision but we soon decided we had already waited for so long that we had to stay.

Shortly after, the pen in front of us opened up and the police began moving us forward. This wasted some time and also put us in a spot a bit more shielded from the wind and further from the crazy Spanish speakers who kept jumping up and down and singing what I imagined were rowdy soccer songs. The hours passed and the girls and I amused ourselves by recalling crazy high school stories.

Finally we had reached 11:30 and the crowd began to perk up. At 11:58 the countdown began. The ball dropped, everyone cheered, confetti rained down, and fireworks went off. It seemed to be over so quickly after having endured such a long wait.

After taking it in for a few minutes we wanted to beat the rush to the Subway and head back to my warm apartment where our bottles of wine were waiting.

It was something I was glad to experience, but I am also glad to think that I will never do it again.

Happy New Year everyone!

Home for the Holidays

2008-12-27T23:36:00.000-08:00

Living far away from home brings an added dimension to the holidays. Christmas and the time off around it turn into a stressful, sleepless, carefully orchestrated event.

I always try my best to plan my schedule in a way that maximizes my time at home. It's tough though when your friends live all over the state, you have family events and, if you live in a place like Iowa, have to deal with whatever may be thrown at you weather wise in any given winter day.

From the moment I left my apartment for the airport on Sunday morning I tried to mentally prepare myself, but this visit has been particularly trying this year.

In summary:

*United Airlines sucks, my friends and family rock
*Getting wisdom teeth pulled is not on my list of things to ever have to do again
*Having to drive 15 mph home through a snowstorm after having driven through an ice storm earlier in the day really sucks
*Despite my good intentions, I still haven't seen half the people I wanted to while here
*I forgot how FREAKING COLD negative four feels!!

I never thought I would say this, but this year I think I'm ready to go back...and next time, I will only visit for two or three days at Christmas and save my visiting for the summertime.

Christmas is like crack to me

2008-12-16T09:56:00.001-08:00

I can never get enough of it. I love everything about the season and often find myself a little sad once the Christmas music stops and the commercials no longer air.

Growing up my mom never let us celebrate Christmas until after my sister's birthday on December 16th. I am sure this made my sister's day seem more important, but it also made the Christmas season seem much shorter in our house.

So being in NYC at Christmas is like a dream come true for me. I know I mentioned this in a previous blog entry, but seriously, December in the city is the most perfect place to ever get your fix if you are a Christmas junkie like me.

I took advantage of yesterday's beautiful weather to take in some of the sights. Here are a few more pictures:

The famous - and tiny - skating rink in Rockefeller Center

Bryant Park

An amazingly non-crowded section of Fifth Ave.

The only snow I've seen in the city so far

What I love about NYC

2008-12-06T21:46:00.000-08:00

I haven't had a lot of time for extensive exploration of the city yet, but there are two things in NYC that are definitely far superior than Boston already:

1. The Subway
2. Pizza

1. The Subway - Reliable transportation is a necessity for the city that never sleeps. I LOVE the fact that the Subway runs all the time here. In Boston I had to make sure to be at the train station by 12:30 to catch the last T of the night otherwise I would get stuck paying a ridiculously expensive cab fare home. In New York, I am trying to get used to the fact that no one even goes out before 10 and that's just fine because you can leave even the bars that close at 4 am and still hop on the Subway.

The speed of the trains is also impressive after suffering the snail's pace of the Green Line trolleys. I can hop on a train in Brooklyn and make it to the Upper East Side in less time than it took me to get the 8 miles from my house to downtown Boston each morning. (I also happen to live on an express stop here which makes my commute even happier.)

I never think twice about doing something because of the commute, which was a main factor in most of my decisions in Boston. That's why I sadly never got to spend much time in Cambridge even though I lived closer to it than downtown Boston. It took ten minutes to drive to Cambridge and probably a good hour to get there by T.

Making an addition to this entry - I also love the fact that the Subway stops are underground and that most of them are connected by underground passageways. This at least makes the winter a bit more bearable.

2. Pizza - The whole time I lived in Boston I never found very good pizza. Granted, I didn't eat a lot of it either, but most of the stuff I tried was mediocre at best. The famed Upper Crust was acceptable, but I always found myself wishing I were eating pizza from the Other Place (a pizza joint back home) instead.

In NYC there are pizza places everywhere. There are at least four that I know of within walking distance of me. The windows are lined with pies - white pizza, veggie pizza, Sicilian slices, slices made with circles of fresh mozzarella. Slices are cheap and are usually as big as the plate they are served on to make them best eaten using the fold technique. These places typically serve until 3 or 4 am and are always full of people to strike up a conversation with.

A New York City Christmas

2008-12-03T22:16:00.001-08:00

I love Christmas! The first year I was in Boston I visited NYC at Thanksgiving. That visit was magical and probably the time I loved the city the most. Not only because it was my first visit to the city, but because it happened to coincide with the holiday season and New York celebrates Christmas like no where else.

I can still remember walking through the magical winter wonderland inside Macy's that November. If I close my eyes, I can picture the holiday crowds jamming the sidewalks below as I stood on the stairs to St. Patrick's. I remember the elaborate window displays along 5th Avenue and I also remember my disappointment at seeing Rockefeller Center complete with an unadorned Christmas tree.

One thing I had always wanted to see was the tree alight in Rockefeller Center. I was certain that the tree would be lit immediately following Thanksgiving and because I was staying for a few days, I was hopeful that I would get to see it before heading back to Boston.

I soon learned that the tree is never lit until December and always first on a weeknight. So this year I took advantage of the fact that I live here and Matt and I went to the actual tree lighting ceremony.

We arrived at Rock Center a little before 5 pm, which turned out to be perfect timing. Shortly after they closed off the street and then we began to wait. The lighting itself wasn't scheduled until 9 pm, so we spent the next few hours getting pushed around by people trying to score a better view and letting out those who decided the wait wasn't worth it and wanted to bail.

Around 7 pm, the pre-televised entertainment started and soon Christmas songs sung by Miley Cyrus, Harry Connick Jr., Faith Hill and Beyonce could be heard. At 8 pm, the show got underway for the nationwide audience and everyone started to get antsy. The wind picked up and no one could feel their feet anymore. We just wanted to see the tree!!

After what seemed like an eternity, the moment we had all waited for arrived. The countdown began and the tree was lit!

It was long, cold and crowded, but definitely something I had to experience as a New Yorker. I can now cross another thing off my list and I think I am going to have to visit the tree at least once a week between now and Christmas :)

Adjustment difficulties

2008-11-24T09:48:00.000-08:00

I think the reality of this move has finally set in. For the first week or two everything was new and exciting and seemed like more of a vacation than a permanent situation. One of my friends from Boston came to visit this weekend and when I took her to the bus station last night all I wanted to do was hop on a bus back to Boston as well.

I am trying really hard to jump into a life here. I have contacted everyone I even remotely know in the city and have been looking for activities to keep myself busy, but it's been really hard leaving behind all that I had in Boston.

I know I will be fine in time but I am having a particularly hard time reminding myself of that today.

A surreal life

2008-11-16T13:40:00.000-08:00

I have technically lived in NYC for a week now. It still seems surreal to consider myself a resident.

There is an energy about this city that you can never escape. I feel it walking down the streets, riding the Subway, and even in bed at night as I am trying to fall asleep. There is never a quiet moment and I always feel as if there is something big happening around me.

I have moments in which something will cause me to flashback to my days spent living in London. And sometimes I find myself wandering around the city feeling all out of sorts.

The city doesn't feel like home yet and it hasn't been long so I don't really expect it to, but I also wonder how long it will take. It's such a big city and so different from anything else that I have previously considered as home - even living in London. I wish I had the words to describe it more effectively, but they escape me so I will leave you with a few pictures in the meantime.

My apartment building

Gramercy Park - We have a sweet view of the Chrysler building from my corner!

Officially in Manhattan

2008-11-06T21:36:00.000-08:00

Here I am laying in bed listening to the sounds of cars honking outside my window. It's my first night as a resident of Manhattan and it's a weird feeling. The move went pretty well. My dad ended up coming out on Monday and we loaded everything but the bed up on Tuesday and headed to NYC. The drive was pretty as the leaves are still on the trees here and we made it to my place pretty easily. We were lucky enough to score a parking spot right outside my building and one of my roommates helped unload everything. We spent Tuesday night in NYC and got up early Wednesday to head back to Boston to pick up the bed and the few things I decided to send home. Stayed in Boston Wednesday night and then headed back to NYC this morning. This time we weren't quite as lucky to find a parking spot and I started to worry that we would be moving a mattress set a few blocks in the rain. After about eight trips around the block we found a space large enough to park in and unload the mattress. My dad headed back home around 3 and I spent the rest of the afternoon unpacking and organizing. I think I am mostly settled but it still seems weird to know that this is my new home for awhile.

All relationships are different

2008-11-02T15:46:00.000-08:00

For the past five years I have been in love.....in love with a city.

From the very moment I got my first glimpse of London the city captured my heart. Whenever I am there I get this feeling that is so hard for me to put into words and probably can't be understood by very many. I feel like I belong there. I always felt like I was free to be anything I wanted to be and would still be loved and accepted. I knew I could be completely and totally happy living in London for the rest of my life and nothing would be lacking if I could get my friends and family to come with me.

The feelings I had for London were everything I thought love was supposed to be. I loved that city so much that the trials and tribulations of living in the city were invisible to me.

So you can see why my relationship with Boston confused me at first. There were none of the initial feelings of exhilaration and giddiness. Everything was exhausting and frustrating from the beginning. I began to wonder if we were ever going to have any type of relationship and, if we were, if it would be worth all the effort.

I think that was partially because of the circumstances and my prior experience with London. After a relationship as intense as that, of course another city was going to have to work extra hard to measure up. I was already convinced my heart was taken. Also, I was so stressed about the move and so busy with school that I don't think I gave the city a fair chance in the beginning.

It took awhile, but the more time I spent with the city, the more Boston grew on me. I learned all of its intricacies and have come to appreciate them. I find myself excited when I see the skyline lit up at night and feel that I have found myself here while also being challenged to grow.

So while the feelings weren't initially the same, all relationships are different. It took me some time to get over my first love but I have also come to realize that another city has stolen a piece of my heart as well.

New England fall

2008-10-28T20:11:00.000-07:00

My last few days in Boston have me taking in every possible moment of this incredibly perfect fall. When I first moved here I thought the fall at home was beautiful...and it is...just not nearly to the same level as fall in New England. The abundance of sugar maple trees create such a beautiful scene that it's sometimes hard to believe it's real. I spent yesterday wandering around trying to capture some of that to share with you all. It hardly does it justice, but I hope you enjoy the pictures.

Fall in the Boston Common

View from my park bench

View of lake in Public Garden

NYC, Here I Come!

2008-10-23T21:24:00.000-07:00

The apartment is finally ready and I got my first look at it on Tuesday when I headed down to the city for an interview. Located in Gramercy near Union Square it's not far from NYU. The neighborhood is full of restaurants, shops and parks. The apartment itself is nice, but tiny...as are all apartments in NYC. (Definitely makes me wish for the old days of renting an entire house for a fifth of what I am paying now! But if you live in the city that never sleeps, who spends time at home anyway?)

The boys are half moved in and as soon as I figure out how I am getting my stuff together, I will be heading down as well. The last time I moved I was lucky enough to have my dad to help. He helped pack everything up and did all of the driving out to Boston. This time I am on my own. I really don't want to drive a giant U-Haul into Manhattan, so I think I am going to just break down and pay the ridiculous fee to have movers do it for me.

Everyone's been asking me if I am excited about this move. Lately, the answer seems to be more of a no than yes. Figuring out the logistics of the move itself, finances, job hunting, and saying goodbye to the people I love in Boston have at times made me question the practicality of this decision. I think I have just been too overwhelmed with all the details to have given myself enough time to be excited about it.

There is so much to see and do in NYC that I know I will enjoy myself. I am just hoping that I am able to find a good enough job that allows me to be able to take advantage of everything the city has to offer. I am excited about moving to the city and having so many friends there to make the experience even better. I am excited about the job possibilities in my field. I am excited to live with my friends and for the crazy adventures we will have as roommates. I am excited at the possibility of being able to spend weekends traveling to DC and Philly. I am excited to finally be able to see the Christmas tree aglow in Rockefeller Center..and the many more things one can only do in NYC.

I must remind myself that in the beginning I questioned my decision to move to Boston as well and it turned out to be one of the best things I have ever done.

"Making a decision was only the beginning of things. When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision."
Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Starting over...times seven

2008-10-13T19:10:00.000-07:00

I used to love the days of new adventure..I guess I still do but in a different way. My upcoming move will be the seventh time in the past ten years that I've picked up and moved and I don't find myself that excited about the process anymore.

I am sick of packing. I am sick of creating a whole new social circle for myself over and over. I am sick of job hunting. I am sick of missing people.

Along with the adventure of every move comes huge hassles....maybe I'm getting old or maybe I just no longer believe.

Either way, I think I'm over it.

Bye Bye Boston

2008-10-10T21:54:00.000-07:00

Who would have ever thought the girl who had such a wicked hard time adjusting to life in New England would be so sad to leave it?

When I applied to Emerson, I had never been to Boston - or even the East Coast - before. To this day I am not really sure what possessed me to pack up and move halfway across the country to a place where I knew no one. I figured I would come for school and then afterward could move back home. After all, I had done the same thing when I moved to London to work after undergrad.

How much different could this be?

My first few months in Boston I found that I could not have been more wrong. I experienced so many moments of being completely out of my element - even more so than I ever did actually living in a foreign country. It definitely took some getting used to and I didn't exactly love Boston the first year I was here.

School was all consuming and I found myself cursing the icy hill of death and the T daily. I didn't understand the East Coast obsession with schooling, the Boston sports fanatics, or, at the smallest level, even the way they called sprinkles on top of ice cream jimmies.

There were many days that I wanted nothing more but to go back to everything that was familiar and easy. But when it came down to deciding if I wanted to renew my lease or not after that first year I decided I wanted to give Boston a fair chance. I was sure there had to be something I was missing.

And I was right...the experience of living in Boston as a young professional is definitely different than the experience of living here as a student. I found myself with time to take weekend trips instead of living in the Emerson library. I fell in love with Maine, the small towns along the coast, and spending lazy days at the beach.

I finally had money to take advantage of all the city offers - brunch on Newbury Street and the occasional drink at the Top of the Hub. I began to network and started learning about Boston's history - complete with visits to Dorchester, Milton and Arlington. I met some amazing people here that have made my life much richer.

It's been a great adventure and, even though I never realized it, somewhere along the way I became a "soda" drinking, cranky T riding, Red Sox loving girl. Yes, it was definitely worth the risk and all the tears.

I know this move makes the most sense for me right now, but I know I will return to Boston someday.

So instead of saying goodbye, let me just say: jusqu'à ce que nous réunir à nouveau.

The greatest rewards come to those willing to take the greatest risks

2008-10-03T19:26:00.000-07:00

Thursday, August 31, 2006:
"Technically it is Saturday. Although for me, I haven't yet gone to bed and therefore I like to think of it still as Friday. Especially this Friday because in just a few short hours I will be leaving on my road trip to Boston. I am excited for the possibilities and all of the new things that I will have the chance to experience in making this move. I am very much looking forward to my classes and once again doing something to challenge myself."

These are the words I find in scrolling through an old blog about my decision to move to Boston now a little over two years ago. I had never been to Boston before...hell, I had never even been to the Northeast before...and after two long days of driving, I found myself alone in an apartment with two strangers in a city so far from everyone I knew.

The first few days were tough. There was a bit of culture shock in moving to New England. I missed my friends from home. I had to find my way around the city and get used to doing everything without a car. Setting up new bank accounts, finding new doctors, and all the other things you take for granted in your day to day life became necessary.

This wasn't all new to me. I had done it once before when, on another whim, I decided to pack up and move to London with three friends after undergrad.

As I am getting ready to make another move here soon, I am trying to remind myself of these past experiences and all of the rewards that came with them. My life is definitely richer for everything I've done and all the people I've encountered along the way.

I don't regret any of it and I know I needed to do all this to be able to be content when I settle down...I just wish I could make it hurt a bit less leaving.