Saturday, January 10, 2009

Feeling "home" less

Ever since my visit home for the holidays I have been contemplating the meaning of home.

The place where I grew up will always be home, yet I no longer consider it home in the sense that it is where I belong, if that makes any sense.

Flying back into Logan last Christmas I found myself feeling at peace when I saw the Boston skyline. It surprised me to discover that I felt as if I were coming home.

Boston is technically the first city I had lived in without having to be there for some reason. I wasn't living there because I had to be there for school (Although that is why I first moved there. I made a choice to stay there afterward). It had become home to me because I had developed a great circle of friends, my job was there, and in essence, I had created a "home" there.

Flying into LaGuardia this Christmas was weird. I found myself not all that excited to return as I boarded the plane in Illinois and the sight of the city lights below as the plane descended did not give me the same warm feelings the skyline in Boston does when I see it. I know it's probably because I haven't had the time to make NYC a "home" but part of me wonders if it will ever feel like home.

All I know is that I have been gone from my real home long enough that I didn't feel at home in the quite the same way this year and I also didn't feel like I was returning to a "home" in coming back to NYC either.

I just hope that when I decide to return to Boston my "home" there is still there.


storypeople said...

I can relate. What a bittersweet feeling. Home is such a sacred space.
I had a teacher tell me that you carry that sacred space with you. It sounds good, but can be so hard to feel or access.
I love this home, but could really go for some 2am Thai take out! :) There's a New York perk.

Emily said...

wow, Amy. I know exactly what you mean. Everyday I feel more and more connected to the city of Boston, as if it is my first real home. It's the first place that has been mine. Really mine. My home because I wanted it to be. And yet, I wonder...will it stay this way? And if not - will I be able to find another place that really feels like home to me?