3 Strikes You're Out...I Mean, Third Times a Charm?

Standing at the plate with a full count. Hoping to hit it out of the park, but I've only got one more strike.

That's the perfect analogy for how I feel right now. After two tries at making NYC the perfect situation for me, I'm staring down a third. This time everything's different.

Everything.

So all I can give it is one more shot. The pitch has been thrown and I'm taking a swing.

Let's hope it's a home run instead of an out.

New Year, New Job

My new job starts in two weeks. I'm excited about the new opportunities this job will bring, but I'm also a little sad about leaving my old one. As I'm preparing to hand off the role, I realize just how much I have accomplished over two years.

I was hired into my current role just as the position was being established. This gave me the flexibility to make the role my own. I took the basic job description given to me in the first few days and slowly put my own spin on it. As appropriate, I took great delight in adding some online marketing and branding in with my web editing responsibilities and over time have established us a productive online presence.

I've earned the trust of my bosses which allowed me the freedom to prove my ideas to them and I appreciate the fact that I had this opportunity. As I move from this role into a new role in a new company, I can't help but be a little sad in giving up "my baby."

I only hope that all the work I put into building my current position into what it has become will not be for nothing. As my boss contemplates replacing me, I hope they will and I hope that some of the work I've done will stay as a foundation for the next person to come in and build upon.

And most of all, I hope that I will be lucky enough in my new position to be given the same opportunity.

“Never turn down a job because you think it's too small; you don't know where it can lead” - Julia Morgan

New York is Like Living on Another Planet Sometimes

I went to DC for the first time this past weekend. A friend and I decided to head down to catch part of the National Cherry Blossom Festival and also meet up with some friends who were there for the weekend too.

Our route to DC took us through New Jersey, Delaware and Maryland. As I watched the scenery change along 95, it hit me that I hadn't left the city since November. Blocks and blocks of high rises, bodegas and 24 hour fast food joints gave way to houses with lush lawns, sprawling Home Depots and gas stations. My friend looked over at me and said, "I forget this is what America is."

I thought about it for a minute and realized she was right. This is what the majority of America is. It's what I know. I grew up with chain restaurants, shopping malls and parking lots an acre large. But for some reason it looked really weird to me as I side gazed.

It was like I had forgotten this because living in NYC is like living on another planet sometimes. There's so much going on here that it's easy to get absorbed in the immediacy of the city. Everything in this city takes place on another level. It truly is a place where you can have anything you want whenever and wherever you want it.

I had no idea I had gotten so accustomed to it this quickly and I sometimes forget that not everyone else gets the opportunity to experience that. And sometimes I also forget that New York makes me forget how much I can miss the rest.

I Hope It Will Be Worth What I Give Up

A friend of mine is moving this weekend. She is leaving Iowa for a bigger city and a new adventure. I've talked to her a lot about this decision over the past year or two because I clearly remember the first steps in my journey.

The sunny, September Saturday morning that I loaded all my stuff into the back of my dad's pickup truck is so clear it seems like yesterday. The Friday before was my last day of work which gave me almost no time to fully realize the impact of the decision to attend Emerson. Once everything was loaded, I hugged my mom and as we pulled out of the driveway, I had no idea I wouldn't be returning to Iowa in a little over a year.

It was dark and raining as we pulled off the Mass Turnpike and into Brighton two days later. I was about to see my new home for the next year. I started to feel a bit nervous as we turned onto Brock Street. I was moving in with two girls I had never met in a city I had never seen to go to a school I had never visited.

We pulled up to a dark house. It was Labor Day weekend and my new roommates were both off enjoying the last weekend of summer. I found the key Sarah had left for me and let myself in. The weather was humid and made unpacking my things miserable. Once we got everything inside and the bed set up, my dad left to go to his hotel for the night.

Exhausted, I climbed into bed. I laid there, listening to the rain, wondering what I had gotten myself into.

I would be starting school in just two days. It was an intensive one year program and I was worried about the program, making new friends, and learning my way around my new city.

The loneliness I felt in the first few weeks was great. This was magnified every time I talked to friends back home and they commented on how exciting they thought my life must be now that I was in Boston. This made me feel more frustrated that I wasn't feeling happier with my decision.

So I can completely relate to what this friend is going through at the moment. I haven't lied to her and said it's going to be easy. There will be moments of loneliness, of second guessing, of wanting to give up. But, I am confident she can do this, and, looking back on all of it from four years down the road, I can absolutely guarantee it will be worth it.


"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
~ Mark Twain

A New Year and A New Beginning

I rang in 2009 standing in the middle of Times Square. This year I spent my New Year's Eve celebrating with friends on the Lower East Side. As we watched the ball drop from a nice warm living room I recalled our experience freezing for hours along with millions of people and was struck by how long ago that seemed and how little I could joyfully recall in between.

2009 was a pretty blah year for me. It could have been much worse - I was lucky enough to be able to land in NYC with friends and find a job - but it could also have been much better - a summer full of rain and little adventuring, too much time spent catching up financially, saying goodbye to too many people, etc.

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions, but this is the year I'm letting go of a lot of things. I'm expecting a lot out of 2010 and, for that to happen, a lot of small changes must first take place.

So while I'm not setting "resolutions" I am making some declarations:

I am going to fully experience 2010 by
* taking on more adventure and risks
* learning as much as I am allowed
* laughing more and crying less
* being more grateful for what I have and less focused on things I think I don't have
* filling my life with more love and wasting less time worrying about the people who don't love me for who I am

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.”

Goodbye 2009. I'm stepping forward.

New Yorkers are often characterized as being neurotic. After living in this city for the past year, I can see why and am worried that I am becoming the same.

I never feel enough of anything in New York City - pretty enough, smart enough, rich enough, etc. I am continually battling feelings of inadequacy and it's starting to make me crazy.

I'm forgetting myself.

Gone is the girl who used to be so social. I feel completely unmotivated to pursue any of the things I used to love. I've become lazy and feel restless.

Sometimes I feel I have become someone I don't recognize and I miss the me I used to be.


New York has a trip-hammer vitality which drives you insane with restlessness if you have no inner stabilizer.

Henry Miller

Iowa State, Part II

I so clearly remember my first few days at Iowa State that I can close my eyes and feel 17 again. I wanted so badly to go to a school where I would just be one of many. I had no idea just how difficult that would be at first.

My stomach hurt every day for the first week or two of college. My friends at home kept telling me how much they loved college and I just didn't get it.

I was lonely. I had gone from having a constant large group of friends for the past 12 years to essentially knowing no one. I remember feeling so lost as I spent days walking around campus not seeing one familiar face.

The classes were fine. Honestly, compared to my high school, I thought most of my first semester classes were a walk in the park. There was a lot of work, but it wasn't hard.

I begged my parents to let me transfer to UNI second semester, to which they said no. They said I had to give Iowa State a year and if I still felt the same way, then I could transfer.

Am I ever glad they did.



Flash forward four and a half years later. It's a sunny December day and I have just put on my cap and gown and descended the staircase to meet my roommates and family before heading to Hilton Coliseum for graduation ceremonies.

I was so sad to be leaving Iowa State. I had lived in Ames longer than I had lived in the house my family currently lived in. I could not go anywhere without seeing someone I knew, which my family constantly made fun of me for.

I had gotten very involved in the Greenlee School my last two years and didn't quite feel prepared for the real world. I had made some great friends at the PC and it still remains one of my favorite jobs to this day.

I would miss Buck Burgers and celebrating birthdays at Hickory Park. I would miss tailgating and house parties. Most of all I would miss my friends and being able to call Iowa State "mine."

As I left Iowa State, I wasn't stressed out about entering the job market like most graduates. I had other plans. One of my college roommates, two high school friends and I were about to leave on an adventure of a lifetime...we were moving to London, England for six months.

We planned to get jobs, live it up in the UK and then I would return to Des Moines and get a job in PR. Well, as I've now learned, life never turns out the way I think it will and it was my move to London that made all the difference in my life.

Iowa State, Part I

When it came time to apply for colleges I knew only one thing - I wanted to go somewhere big where I didn't run into everyone I knew all of the time. My parents kept reminding me that anywhere I went was going to be bigger than what I what used to, but I didn't listen. I never considered community colleges or the very nearby University of Northern Iowa. I really wanted to go to a large university out of state but my parents - thankfully - talked me out of having to go to a school where I would have to pay out of state tuition.

That pretty much left me with one of two options - The University of Iowa in Iowa City or Iowa State University in Ames. I hadn't decided on a major yet so choosing a school based on the curriculum wasn't very helpful. I grew up in Eastern Iowa and in a family full of Hawkeye (University of Iowa) fans. I loved Iowa City. It was very liberal and such a great town. But I fell in love the minute I visited the Iowa State campus. It was beautiful and compact. In fact, Iowa State is one of only three colleges to have received the American Society of Landscape Architects medallion award given to outstanding landscape sites. I knew only five of my classmates planned to also attend Iowa State and it was settled.

I applied and was accepted in October and put the decision out of mind with all the bustle of finishing senior year.

Flash forward to August and the night before I planned to leave for school. I had to leave for school at 6 am to be there in time for work orientation and here I was coming home at 2 am from one last night out with my high school friends. I wasn't finished packing and my mom was furious with me.

"If you forget anything, that's going to be your fault."

"Mom, if I forget anything, I will be home again and can pick it up then."

Facing the pile of stuff I had yet to pack and the memories of the fun and laughter from earlier that night, the reality of my decision began to sink in.

Suddenly, I began to panic. What was I doing? Did I really want to go somewhere without knowing anyone really?

And this was the beginning of my impulsive, crazy moves to places where I am forever starting my life over.

Reflecting on past lives

There are a few moments in my life that I can close my eyes and recall so clearly that it is almost as if I am back in the moment. These snippets are of many different "stages" in my life and in some ways it's hard to look back now and feel like some of them were my life. Some because I was a very different person and some because so much time has passed.

I have loved each and every adventure and, at the time, each and every adventure was something I never wanted to give up. Also, If I would have never given them up I would have never gotten the chance to go on to the next.



It always breaks my heart to give up the things I love in these situations, but in doing so, I have been lucky enough to keep close the people I've loved along the way and have also discovered other things along the way that I love.

I am still struggling to find complete contentment but remembering this gives me the courage to take risks and make changes that I may not feel I want to make, but maybe need to make.

Adjustment difficulties

I think the reality of this move has finally set in. For the first week or two everything was new and exciting and seemed like more of a vacation than a permanent situation. One of my friends from Boston came to visit this weekend and when I took her to the bus station last night all I wanted to do was hop on a bus back to Boston as well.

I am trying really hard to jump into a life here. I have contacted everyone I even remotely know in the city and have been looking for activities to keep myself busy, but it's been really hard leaving behind all that I had in Boston.

I know I will be fine in time but I am having a particularly hard time reminding myself of that today.

Officially in Manhattan

Here I am laying in bed listening to the sounds of cars honking outside my window. It's my first night as a resident of Manhattan and it's a weird feeling. The move went pretty well. My dad ended up coming out on Monday and we loaded everything but the bed up on Tuesday and headed to NYC. The drive was pretty as the leaves are still on the trees here and we made it to my place pretty easily. We were lucky enough to score a parking spot right outside my building and one of my roommates helped unload everything. We spent Tuesday night in NYC and got up early Wednesday to head back to Boston to pick up the bed and the few things I decided to send home. Stayed in Boston Wednesday night and then headed back to NYC this morning. This time we weren't quite as lucky to find a parking spot and I started to worry that we would be moving a mattress set a few blocks in the rain. After about eight trips around the block we found a space large enough to park in and unload the mattress. My dad headed back home around 3 and I spent the rest of the afternoon unpacking and organizing. I think I am mostly settled but it still seems weird to know that this is my new home for awhile.

Starting over...times seven

I used to love the days of new adventure..I guess I still do but in a different way. My upcoming move will be the seventh time in the past ten years that I've picked up and moved and I don't find myself that excited about the process anymore.

I am sick of packing. I am sick of creating a whole new social circle for myself over and over. I am sick of job hunting. I am sick of missing people.

Along with the adventure of every move comes huge hassles....maybe I'm getting old or maybe I just no longer believe.

Either way, I think I'm over it.

The greatest rewards come to those willing to take the greatest risks

Thursday, August 31, 2006:
"Technically it is Saturday. Although for me, I haven't yet gone to bed and therefore I like to think of it still as Friday. Especially this Friday because in just a few short hours I will be leaving on my road trip to Boston. I am excited for the possibilities and all of the new things that I will have the chance to experience in making this move. I am very much looking forward to my classes and once again doing something to challenge myself."

These are the words I find in scrolling through an old blog about my decision to move to Boston now a little over two years ago. I had never been to Boston before...hell, I had never even been to the Northeast before...and after two long days of driving, I found myself alone in an apartment with two strangers in a city so far from everyone I knew.

The first few days were tough. There was a bit of culture shock in moving to New England. I missed my friends from home. I had to find my way around the city and get used to doing everything without a car. Setting up new bank accounts, finding new doctors, and all the other things you take for granted in your day to day life became necessary.

This wasn't all new to me. I had done it once before when, on another whim, I decided to pack up and move to London with three friends after undergrad.

As I am getting ready to make another move here soon, I am trying to remind myself of these past experiences and all of the rewards that came with them. My life is definitely richer for everything I've done and all the people I've encountered along the way.

I don't regret any of it and I know I needed to do all this to be able to be content when I settle down...I just wish I could make it hurt a bit less leaving.