Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Beautiful Catasrophe

A hundred times have I thought New York is a catastrophe, and fifty times: It is a beautiful catastrophe. Le Corbusier

I know I've written about my love-hate relationship with New York City many times in this blog. Today I'm in the beautiful catastrophe frame of mind. There are some aspects of the city that are so unique and unexpected that remind you of the amazing-ness of all that goes on in a city so large.

But every once in awhile I see, hear, smell, or do something that reminds me of the uniqueness of a life lived in NYC.

The other night it was the bicycles whizzing past me as I crossed 23rd Avenue. This morning it was realizing I am going to see a movie that hasn't opened in the rest of the country and probably will never open in my hometown. Last week it was watching the scene in Elf where they showed the reporter on NY1 - yes, it's a real channel.

Yes, this city is loud, dirty, expensive and obnoxious most of the time, but every so often a moment comes along that reminds me I am living what for most people only ever remains a dream and that I should be thankful for this opportunity.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

New Yorkers are often characterized as being neurotic. After living in this city for the past year, I can see why and am worried that I am becoming the same.

I never feel enough of anything in New York City - pretty enough, smart enough, rich enough, etc. I am continually battling feelings of inadequacy and it's starting to make me crazy.

I'm forgetting myself.

Gone is the girl who used to be so social. I feel completely unmotivated to pursue any of the things I used to love. I've become lazy and feel restless.

Sometimes I feel I have become someone I don't recognize and I miss the me I used to be.

New York has a trip-hammer vitality which drives you insane with restlessness if you have no inner stabilizer.

Henry Miller