Technology is Not Social, People Are

I came across this statement online a few weeks ago and have been thinking about it ever since. It's so true and recently I've been reading a lot about how most people believe the opposite. True, technology can make you feel more social, but just because you have 800+ friends on Facebook, you might not really be all that social.

Don't get me wrong, I love technology. I work on a Web site so I can't lie and say that technology is a bad thing. Social networking has allowed me to keep in touch with friends from home, this blog has given me an outlet for my thoughts, and technology has allowed us to be much more efficient. But sometimes I wonder if we are actually losing the art of being social. Lately I feel that it's harder and harder for people to live in the "offline" world.

Just today, Mashable.com posted an article summarizing the results of a survey they gave to professionals which found that smartphones and intimate relationships tied at 40% for the number one thing respondents can’t live without.

Yesterday, I read an article in the Des Moines Register where the head of my undergrad university's journalism school said, "Cell phones convey one message and one only, whether calling, texting or watching a movie, and it's that something somewhere else is more important than the person we are with."

Everyday I watch my fellow commuters immersed in their Blackberries all the way to work. I come home and watch my roommates chat online and send and receive emails all night. Walk into a bar and everyone sitting there will have a phone out in front of them. Customers in stores often talk on their phones through their entire interaction with the sales clerk.

Life is busy and I admit that I am guilty of doing the same things from time to time but I hope that I never lose that desire to interact with the real world. It makes me sad that all of this technology now means that it can be rare to even have a conversation where both parties are fully present and sometimes I just long for old school face-to-face interaction.

New York is Like Living on Another Planet Sometimes

I went to DC for the first time this past weekend. A friend and I decided to head down to catch part of the National Cherry Blossom Festival and also meet up with some friends who were there for the weekend too.

Our route to DC took us through New Jersey, Delaware and Maryland. As I watched the scenery change along 95, it hit me that I hadn't left the city since November. Blocks and blocks of high rises, bodegas and 24 hour fast food joints gave way to houses with lush lawns, sprawling Home Depots and gas stations. My friend looked over at me and said, "I forget this is what America is."

I thought about it for a minute and realized she was right. This is what the majority of America is. It's what I know. I grew up with chain restaurants, shopping malls and parking lots an acre large. But for some reason it looked really weird to me as I side gazed.

It was like I had forgotten this because living in NYC is like living on another planet sometimes. There's so much going on here that it's easy to get absorbed in the immediacy of the city. Everything in this city takes place on another level. It truly is a place where you can have anything you want whenever and wherever you want it.

I had no idea I had gotten so accustomed to it this quickly and I sometimes forget that not everyone else gets the opportunity to experience that. And sometimes I also forget that New York makes me forget how much I can miss the rest.

The unseasonably warm day was fading into twilight. All she wanted was to spend some time feeling. She wanted to feel the grass tickle her feet. She wanted to feel the warm breeze caress her bare arms. She wanted to feel like she had accomplished something on this day. She wanted to feel that someone wanted to listen.

As the lights in the park came on, she gathered up her things and switched on the music. Loud enough to feel it.

She slowly walked towards the bus taking in every detail of her surroundings. She wanted to feel excited about living in the city. She wanted to feel excited that half her work week was over.

But as darkness took her in all she felt was the fact that she felt excited about nothing.

She couldn't remember happiness and that made her sad.

I Hope It Will Be Worth What I Give Up

A friend of mine is moving this weekend. She is leaving Iowa for a bigger city and a new adventure. I've talked to her a lot about this decision over the past year or two because I clearly remember the first steps in my journey.

The sunny, September Saturday morning that I loaded all my stuff into the back of my dad's pickup truck is so clear it seems like yesterday. The Friday before was my last day of work which gave me almost no time to fully realize the impact of the decision to attend Emerson. Once everything was loaded, I hugged my mom and as we pulled out of the driveway, I had no idea I wouldn't be returning to Iowa in a little over a year.

It was dark and raining as we pulled off the Mass Turnpike and into Brighton two days later. I was about to see my new home for the next year. I started to feel a bit nervous as we turned onto Brock Street. I was moving in with two girls I had never met in a city I had never seen to go to a school I had never visited.

We pulled up to a dark house. It was Labor Day weekend and my new roommates were both off enjoying the last weekend of summer. I found the key Sarah had left for me and let myself in. The weather was humid and made unpacking my things miserable. Once we got everything inside and the bed set up, my dad left to go to his hotel for the night.

Exhausted, I climbed into bed. I laid there, listening to the rain, wondering what I had gotten myself into.

I would be starting school in just two days. It was an intensive one year program and I was worried about the program, making new friends, and learning my way around my new city.

The loneliness I felt in the first few weeks was great. This was magnified every time I talked to friends back home and they commented on how exciting they thought my life must be now that I was in Boston. This made me feel more frustrated that I wasn't feeling happier with my decision.

So I can completely relate to what this friend is going through at the moment. I haven't lied to her and said it's going to be easy. There will be moments of loneliness, of second guessing, of wanting to give up. But, I am confident she can do this, and, looking back on all of it from four years down the road, I can absolutely guarantee it will be worth it.


"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
~ Mark Twain

What If I Had Said Yes?

Summer 2003.

The four of us had planned a night out starting with dinner at Hickory Park in Ames before heading to Des Moines for dancing at Crush. That was how we often spent our weekend nights back then.

But it turns out this night would be different.

I can no longer recall all of the details about that night, but bits and pieces are still so clear, including the last words we spoke to one another.

"Can I go with you?" he asked.
"I'm not that kind of girl," I replied.
"I can respect that. I'll call you the next time I'm in town," he said and kissed me on the forehead before I stood up to leave.

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A few hours earlier we were finishing up dinner when one of the girls with us said she wasn't feeling well and wanted to head home. Elli and I often went to Crush but we had specifically planned to go that night because our friend wanted to go. We decided to stay in Ames instead of going without her. Our other friend mentioned her fiancee and his friends were at a bar in campustown. We headed in that direction and ended up at Paddy's. We walked in and I began introducing myself to the people in the group. After a few short conversations with others, I introduced myself to him.

Most of the rest of that evening is a blur. I don't recall all of the conversation, but I do remember we never ran out of things to say. Elli would later tell me that she had tried to get my attention more than once that night and I had been completely oblivious to all around me.

All too soon the bar was closing and the group of us decided to go back to our friend's apartment for after hours. The conversation continued and soon it was 4 am.

Elli and I decided we should leave. I told him goodbye and he asked for my number before asking the question I have never forgotten.

"Can I go with you?"

I still clearly remember arriving home and walking in as the sun was coming up. I climbed into bed feeling happy and a bit sad. I laid there with his question still echoing in my mind:

"Can I go with you?"

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Why hadn't I just said yes? I hadn't wanted to leave, yet I had just met him and wasn't sure I should agree. What if he had come with me? Would we have had enough in common to have had something that would last?

We texted back and forth a few times after that night, but never actually talked again. A few months later I heard through my friend's fiancee that he had started dating someone else. I stopped communicating with him and it wasn't until my friend's wedding two years later that I saw him again. I literally ran into his fiancee coming around a corner and couldn't bring myself to go over later in the night and introduce myself.

I can never get that moment back and I am a believer in the everything happens for a reason theory, but I have to admit that I've often wondered what would have happened had I said yes to him that night.

"And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."
- Erica Jong

Rebuilding a Support Network

Lately I've been struggling a lot with the loss of having a really great circle of friends and family around me. I have now been in NYC for almost two years and I'm frustrated with the fact that I am still very much lonely here.

I know that it takes time and effort to build these relationships, and believe me, I try. I've attended college alumni events, I've gone to parties where I knew no one and have even contacted people in the city I haven't talked to in years in an attempt to build myself a support network here. I work in such a small office that I have made no extracurricular friends through work. And, none of my coworkers are single or even my age either.

I spend my workdays interacting with very few people besides my coworkers and often come home to evenings full of roommates consumed with Blackberries and online chatting.

It's starting to break me.

I miss having people in my life who ask how my day was and those that care about the small daily details. I miss having friends that I can call to come over at any time of the day or night. I miss having something exciting to look forward to doing after work on a Friday night. I miss hugs. And I'm starting to wonder if maybe the ties of home win out over the city.

“We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.” - Orson Wells

In Any Real City, You Walk

I've always enjoyed walking and, living in a city, I do a lot of it. So when my friend suggested I read the book The Lost Art of Walking by Geoff Nicholson, I was immediately intrigued.

"Walking had certainly always been a pleasure, but it was more than that. For me walking has to do with exploration, a way of accommodating myself, of feeling at home. When I find myself in a new place I explore it on foot. It's the way I get to know that place. Maybe it's a way of marking territory. Setting foot on a street makes it yours in a way that driving down it never does."

I've never understood the aversion some people have towards walking. To me, walking has always been a calming activity and a way to really orient myself within an environment. The first thing I do whenever I move to a new city is walk.

I walk to get places, I walk to get lost and discover new places, and I walk to understand a place.

I walk to feel a part of something. I walk to forget things. I walk to feel good physically and I walk when I'm feeling bad.

I've spent hours walking the streets of London, Boston and New York. Given the opportunity to take public transportation or walking, I will chose walking every time - well, unless it's raining in the city..I hate that. I've discovered unexpected things and encountered some interesting characters in these walks.

But the thing I enjoy the most about walking in a city is the feeling of being a part of it.

Yesterday I was taking in all the sights, sounds and smells of the city when I became acutely aware of all the people walking with me down Broadway. There were people everywhere. Passing me in all directions, each of us lost in our own little world, yet we all choose to be a part of the same city.

Sometimes this annoys me.

"During the busiest part of the day, I wasn't so much looking at people, as looking out for them, trying to avoid being bumped into, knocked aside, trampled underfoot."

But yesterday, it exhilarated me. I felt so alive among the crowd of people and didn't mind having to sidestep others along the way. The diversity surrounding me was striking. We are all a part of the same city and even though we all experience it in very different ways, we all just want to feel those ties - to the city and to each other.

Walking gives me a very real connection to the present. It allows me to develop a different type of relationship with my surroundings and, in a weird way, it allows me to feel less lonely in a city of millions where I know so few.