It's amazing

how lonely I feel in the busiest place I've ever lived.

In NYC,I'm constantly surrounded by millions of people. I see more people riding the Subway in one day than live in the entire town I grew up in, but somehow I feel very alone here most of the time.




Maybe it's the busy-ness that exaggerates the feeling. It seems everyone always has somewhere to go or something to do and friends or family to do it with. Sometimes it makes me sad to look in on it and remember that I once had that.

Yes, it's great to live in a city with a million things to do, but it's not that great when you have to do them all by yourself.

I know it takes time. This isn't the first time I've started over. Every time I leave a place I get sad because I realize I am always leaving behind these great lives. Lives that I created in a situation where I once felt this same loneliness.

So I know I need to be patient and maybe I will even surprise myself and find myself crying when I leave this city.

Park life

As much as I enjoy the city, I also love getting a break from it too.

In Boston one of my favorite past times was sitting in the Common. I would go to the Common to read, people watch and contemplate life decisions. You could find me out there on a Saturday afternoon, an evening after work and sometimes even after dark watching the stars. I had many conversations with tourists in the Common and it always made me feel happier if I were feeling lonely or sad.

Now that the weather is getting nicer, I find myself looking for a similar oasis in NYC. Here are a few photos from my explorations.



Central Park






Prospect Park

A World of Its Own

It may be hard to believe, but this is the first time I've lived in an apartment building. After living in the dorms for two years in undergrad, three friends and I rented a small house and never looked back.

There were many reasons we felt houses were superior to apartments:

*Having a yard meant we could own a grill and host summer parties
*Lots of basement storage
*Driveways and parking out front
*Being able to be as loud or as quiet as we wanted anytime
*And,in all of my houses before Boston, we were lucky enough to have our own washer and dryer

So to me the move to an apartment was both exciting and sad at the same time. Living in a ridiculously small, old and overpriced apartment in Manhattan is the dream. If you are lucky enough to find one in a great neighborhood like Gramercy, you are envied every time someone hears you mention your address.

Our apartment building was built in 1902 and is pretty large by Manhattan standards. We put up a wall and converted a two bedroom into a three bedroom. The walls are thin so you are always conscious of the fact that you can't be too loud. But living in the city you get pretty used to the idea that you really have no privacy anyway.

We have very little storage space, but we've gotten creative. The lack of space though is positive. It has made me eliminate a lot of possessions and now I always think twice before purchasing things. I will be all set when it comes time to move out :)

I enjoy passing my neighbors in the hallway and trying to deduce what their lives are like through brief exchanges and observation. I know there is an older Irish guy who lives on the top floor. I know the three girls next door love karaoke and I also know the guy who lives above me works in Midtown because I've seen him on the bus. I know the mailman and the housekeeping lady.

I still miss having a yard and having more space, but when you live in a city as large as NYC, sometimes your apartment building makes the world seem just a bit smaller.

Remembering Who I Am

"I've always liked the time before dawn because there's no one around to remind me who I'm supposed to be so it's easier to remember who I am."
-Story People (http://www.storypeople.com/storypeople/Home.do - for those of you unfamiliar with their amazing stories.)

This quote is so perfect for my life right now.

Each morning I get up at 6 am to do yoga before work. The city is finally "quiet" in these moments and all I have to focus on is me. In those moments everything I want and want to be is clear.

Growing up in a small town I felt as if I was always being told who I was supposed to be but living in the city makes me constantly have to make an effort to remember myself.

It took me leaving home and all the hard times along the way for me to fully realize who I am and who I want to be. The hard part for me now is knowing that and knowing that that me can never be found in NYC.

I don't <3 NYC

It seems everyone's first question upon learning I am fairly new to the city is how do I like it. I usually answer with the standard I'm still getting used to it but I recently realized the true answer is that I don't. Yet, I always hesitate to say it and keep finding myself feeling forced into making myself want to like it because everyone else just seems to love it.

And you know, I did love it...when I could visit but didn't have to live here. When I could spend money on fun things in the city instead of a $6 box of crackers. When I could go out until 5 am and not be irritated with the noise at 4 am when all I want to do is sleep. When I didn't realize that the overflowing trash cans in the Subway stations weren't just a weekend thing.

I do love city life, but I'm just not sure NYC is the right city for me...and maybe it's about time I was ok with admitting that.

Reflecting on past lives

There are a few moments in my life that I can close my eyes and recall so clearly that it is almost as if I am back in the moment. These snippets are of many different "stages" in my life and in some ways it's hard to look back now and feel like some of them were my life. Some because I was a very different person and some because so much time has passed.

I have loved each and every adventure and, at the time, each and every adventure was something I never wanted to give up. Also, If I would have never given them up I would have never gotten the chance to go on to the next.



It always breaks my heart to give up the things I love in these situations, but in doing so, I have been lucky enough to keep close the people I've loved along the way and have also discovered other things along the way that I love.

I am still struggling to find complete contentment but remembering this gives me the courage to take risks and make changes that I may not feel I want to make, but maybe need to make.

Snow days and grateful to be a true Midwesterner

I woke up this morning to the most snow I've ever seen in NYC...and by that I mean maybe 8 inches. Which, granted, is a good amount, but given the fact that there has been no significant snowfall to date that this piled on top of, it really doesn't seem like the end of the world.....I guess unless you haven't been raised in the Midwest.

Schools in the city were canceled today. People were calling into work...even though they ride the Subway and take city buses. I took a call or two today asking if Cornell was closed.

I can recall only one day in my entire undergrad career where classes were canceled and that was only after making us all suffer through morning classes. And I can assure you, those 10 inches that fell that afternoon were magnified by the 20 inches or so that had accumulated by mid-March.

In the Midwest people will get up and drive 25 mph through white out conditions to make it to work.

To be fair, we get more crappy weather - which we all like to complain about. But you know what, today I was grateful for all those experiences. I was probably one of the only people in the city smiling on my way to work today. Smiling because I was reminded of home...and to me this really didn't feel that bad.