It's happening again....

It always happens so slowly that it sneaks up on me..and it's usually something that never attracted me in the beginning. But I guess that's what they say love is, right?

New York is seducing me. I don't know how these cities keep slowly stealing my heart when, each time I land in a new one, I never think there is any room to love another.



I just returned from a late night walk through the city, and it has never looked more beautiful to me than it did tonight. Seeing the New York Life building's clock tower reflected in the glass panes of an apartment building on Madison Avenue; listening to the conversations around me as I sat in Madison Square Park; and walking around the oh-so-quiet, yet quaint Gramercy Park all almost brought me to tears tonight.

The tears because I finally see the potential in this city and yet I feel as if the city never responded to my advances in quite the way I wanted it to. But that's the thing about love, you only get a say in one side of it.

I immediately called a friend and confessed these feelings to her. She told me she was startled by my admission, and I could only respond with, "No more than I."

What If I Had Said Yes?

Summer 2003.

The four of us had planned a night out starting with dinner at Hickory Park in Ames before heading to Des Moines for dancing at Crush. That was how we often spent our weekend nights back then.

But it turns out this night would be different.

I can no longer recall all of the details about that night, but bits and pieces are still so clear, including the last words we spoke to one another.

"Can I go with you?" he asked.
"I'm not that kind of girl," I replied.
"I can respect that. I'll call you the next time I'm in town," he said and kissed me on the forehead before I stood up to leave.

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A few hours earlier we were finishing up dinner when one of the girls with us said she wasn't feeling well and wanted to head home. Elli and I often went to Crush but we had specifically planned to go that night because our friend wanted to go. We decided to stay in Ames instead of going without her. Our other friend mentioned her fiancee and his friends were at a bar in campustown. We headed in that direction and ended up at Paddy's. We walked in and I began introducing myself to the people in the group. After a few short conversations with others, I introduced myself to him.

Most of the rest of that evening is a blur. I don't recall all of the conversation, but I do remember we never ran out of things to say. Elli would later tell me that she had tried to get my attention more than once that night and I had been completely oblivious to all around me.

All too soon the bar was closing and the group of us decided to go back to our friend's apartment for after hours. The conversation continued and soon it was 4 am.

Elli and I decided we should leave. I told him goodbye and he asked for my number before asking the question I have never forgotten.

"Can I go with you?"

I still clearly remember arriving home and walking in as the sun was coming up. I climbed into bed feeling happy and a bit sad. I laid there with his question still echoing in my mind:

"Can I go with you?"

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Why hadn't I just said yes? I hadn't wanted to leave, yet I had just met him and wasn't sure I should agree. What if he had come with me? Would we have had enough in common to have had something that would last?

We texted back and forth a few times after that night, but never actually talked again. A few months later I heard through my friend's fiancee that he had started dating someone else. I stopped communicating with him and it wasn't until my friend's wedding two years later that I saw him again. I literally ran into his fiancee coming around a corner and couldn't bring myself to go over later in the night and introduce myself.

I can never get that moment back and I am a believer in the everything happens for a reason theory, but I have to admit that I've often wondered what would have happened had I said yes to him that night.

"And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."
- Erica Jong

Love

She was never one to believe in love...mostly because she had always heard people make statements about things she had never experienced herself.

Now she is reconsidering everything she previously believed, yet is still trying to convince herself she doesn't believe. This time, not because she doesn't believe it exists, but because she believes that it doesn't exist for her.

Slow Seduction

My friend Emily and I always laugh when she says the Boston Red Sox seduced her, but lately I've been giving a lot of thought to the concept of seduction:
Seduce: 1. to persuade to disobedience or disloyalty. 2. to lead astray usually by persuasion - Merriam Webster

When I first moved to the East Coast I had no intentions of staying out here. My plan was to complete my Master's program and then return back to Des Moines and find a job.

But somewhere along the way I've fallen in love. I've fallen for the Boston Red Sox, the way the East Coast works hard and plays hard, leisurely weekend brunches, beach weekends, train travel, and laying out in the park. It was a combination of all these small things that, over time, got me.

A good friend of mine just today told me that she is moving back to the Midwest after living on the West Coast for two years. She has bittersweet feelings about it and I know exactly how she feels. It's something no one else can completely understand unless they've left home and fallen in love with something else.

I still miss so very much about home and will defend it endlessly, but a part of me is now starting to realize that I may never be truly content there ever again.

It took awhile, but Em, I think I'm ready to admit the East Coast has seduced me.

Single in the City

Ever since I moved to the city my friends here have been trying to extol the virtues of Match.com in an effort to get me to join.

I admit it's tempting. I want to meet more people in the city and my friends who have done it are perfectly normal people who have met other perfectly normal people. I would love to have someone to share my days and adventures with and want to have someone who shares my interests to go out and experience the city with.

But I hesitate...and not because I think it's weird to meet someone online.

I don't know if I really believe that I will meet someone perfect for me in doing it and I also don't know if I even believe in love anymore.

Not that I don't believe in the existence of love. I have friends and family that I love dearly and would do absolutely anything for.

I have friends who are in relationships where they are clearly and truly in love with one another. I see them and I think they are perfect examples of what love is meant to be.

It's maybe more that I wonder if everyone is destined to find that sort of love in their lifetime.

Moving around so much has definitely made the whole idea seem even further off for me. I am starting to think that maybe it's just not in my future..and you know what, I think I am also starting to be ok with that.

All relationships are different

For the past five years I have been in love.....in love with a city.

From the very moment I got my first glimpse of London the city captured my heart. Whenever I am there I get this feeling that is so hard for me to put into words and probably can't be understood by very many. I feel like I belong there. I always felt like I was free to be anything I wanted to be and would still be loved and accepted. I knew I could be completely and totally happy living in London for the rest of my life and nothing would be lacking if I could get my friends and family to come with me.

The feelings I had for London were everything I thought love was supposed to be. I loved that city so much that the trials and tribulations of living in the city were invisible to me.

So you can see why my relationship with Boston confused me at first. There were none of the initial feelings of exhilaration and giddiness. Everything was exhausting and frustrating from the beginning. I began to wonder if we were ever going to have any type of relationship and, if we were, if it would be worth all the effort.

I think that was partially because of the circumstances and my prior experience with London. After a relationship as intense as that, of course another city was going to have to work extra hard to measure up. I was already convinced my heart was taken. Also, I was so stressed about the move and so busy with school that I don't think I gave the city a fair chance in the beginning.

It took awhile, but the more time I spent with the city, the more Boston grew on me. I learned all of its intricacies and have come to appreciate them. I find myself excited when I see the skyline lit up at night and feel that I have found myself here while also being challenged to grow.

So while the feelings weren't initially the same, all relationships are different. It took me some time to get over my first love but I have also come to realize that another city has stolen a piece of my heart as well.