Living in New York has never been easy and, honestly, I have never struggled as much as I have living here in the city. There hasn't been a week that's passed without a thought of wanting to give up, yet something keeps me here.

I don't know what or why.

I keep thinking that maybe all this needs to be perfect is a little bit more time and a little bit more patience. But maybe I just had to do this to realize that something else is better for me...

I'm not sure.

I don't know why I'm here or continue to be here.

I am afraid that when I go elsewhere I will miss this more than I think, but I am also afraid that if I stay here I will miss everything else because I'm too busy struggling to get by.

“Success is sweet and sweeter if long delayed and gotten through many struggles and defeats.” - Amos Bronson Alcott

730 Days

That's how long I've now been a resident of New York City. Twenty-four Metro Cards and well over 1,400 Subway rides. Miles and miles of walking and countless pairs of shoes.

At least ten walks across the Brooklyn Bridge, three visits to Coney Island, and one visit to the US Open. Three nights in Harlem, two birthday parties in Williamsburg, and a train trip up the Hudson.

Two Christmases and two incoming classes of students. One tour of Yankee Stadium and a Philharmonic concert in Central Park.

Crumbs, Cupcake Cafe, and Sugar Sweet Sunshine. African, Caribbean, and Ukranian food.

And those are just a few highlights of the past 730 days. So you might understand my dilemma in making a change.

I'm really going to miss all this, but at the same time, I think I might be ready for a new challenge.

It's happening again....

It always happens so slowly that it sneaks up on me..and it's usually something that never attracted me in the beginning. But I guess that's what they say love is, right?

New York is seducing me. I don't know how these cities keep slowly stealing my heart when, each time I land in a new one, I never think there is any room to love another.



I just returned from a late night walk through the city, and it has never looked more beautiful to me than it did tonight. Seeing the New York Life building's clock tower reflected in the glass panes of an apartment building on Madison Avenue; listening to the conversations around me as I sat in Madison Square Park; and walking around the oh-so-quiet, yet quaint Gramercy Park all almost brought me to tears tonight.

The tears because I finally see the potential in this city and yet I feel as if the city never responded to my advances in quite the way I wanted it to. But that's the thing about love, you only get a say in one side of it.

I immediately called a friend and confessed these feelings to her. She told me she was startled by my admission, and I could only respond with, "No more than I."

"Torn between wanting to stay & wanting to go & worried it will be the wrong decision either way" - Story People

As some of you know, I've been struggling lately with the decision to stay in NYC or move somewhere else. I always thought when it was time to leave New York I would be able to leave without feeling the same sadness that always seems to descend when leaving someplace you've called home.

I never thought I would get attached to a city so large, so lonely, and so loud. I never thought that the restlessness of the city would seep into my being. I never thought that above all else here, the city would be the one thing that eventually ends up keeping me sane.

The thing about New York is that it's all about the small moments. I've written a bit about this in a previous post, but it seems as if every day there are small things that I discover I love about this city.

It's the way the ground shakes when the Subway goes rushing underneath you. It's the way you can find takeout at 3 am. It's the way I feel when I am hurtling down Central Park West on a night bus. It's the fact that I recognize my fellow bus riders each morning. It's the way you can pack a picnic and spend an entire day laying in Central Park.

So as I come ever closer to the reality that I need to leave by the time my lease ends, I also come ever closer to realizing that I have become attached to this crazy, sweet catastrophe of a city.

New York, you could have been great. I just don't think I'm strong enough to be patient enough to give you anymore.

Tom Selleck Saved My Baby and Other Reasons I Love the East Side

As I've stated in previous posts, I love walking. I love The City in the summer because it means weekend days are nice enough to indulge my desire to explore the city on foot.

This morning a friend and I stepped out with no real destination. We started by walking through the street fair on 3rd Avenue. We soon realized we were close enough to the East Village that we could do lunch at the arepas bar that is always busy on weeknights. Since it was a bit early for lunch we decided to leisurely explore the East Village a bit first.

We wandered up and down the streets and avenues, turning as things caught our eye. We discovered a Ukranian street festival, complete with church ladies selling cabbage rolls and borscht. We wandered in and out of tiny boutiques and stopped to look at a few flea markets - NYC's version of a garage sale :)


Found on a trash can outside the flea market:


After lunch, we spent an hour sitting in Thompson Square Park watching a group of children run races with each other, people walking their dogs, and a group of people wrestling in the park. We decided to continue on through Alphabet City and walked all the way over to Avenue D wandering through every public garden we came upon.

Found in Alphabet City:


We made our way back up through the Lower East Side and the end of this walking adventure found us in a cozy, small Irish pub watching a live session of two acoustic acts.

It's days like these that make me realize I really will miss NYC when I leave.

New York is Full of Un-New Yorkers

I realize most of my posts about NYC lately haven't been all that uplifting so I thought I would share a little something I have noticed and do enjoy about this city.

Last Friday night a friend and I were walking home from dinner when we passed a group of five friends taking pictures outside a restaurant. One of them was trying to take a photo of the other four and my friend stopped them and asked if they would like a picture that included all of them. They seemed a bit surprised and excited that someone had offered to do so.

"That's very un-New Yorker of you," they replied as my friend handed back the camera and we wished them a good night.

We looked at each other and laughed as we walked away. The truth is, in most of my experiences here, it really wasn't all that un-New York.

As I tell people all the time, New Yorkers are generally a pretty helpful and pleasant group of people. I've often seen them offer directions, hold open doors, and help old ladies on and off buses. I've been wished a good morning many times by random strangers walking past me on my way to work. I've seen many commuters thank their bus driver as they get off at their stop.

I think we realize that somewhere within the hardships of city life that we cannot change, we can make the experience better for each other in small ways. There are good days and bad days, but you can empathize in almost any situation which makes you want to help if you can.

In general I've experienced far more good from New Yorkers. And, in my opinion, it's usually the tourists acting the most "New Yorkish".

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. ~Plato

New York is Like Living on Another Planet Sometimes

I went to DC for the first time this past weekend. A friend and I decided to head down to catch part of the National Cherry Blossom Festival and also meet up with some friends who were there for the weekend too.

Our route to DC took us through New Jersey, Delaware and Maryland. As I watched the scenery change along 95, it hit me that I hadn't left the city since November. Blocks and blocks of high rises, bodegas and 24 hour fast food joints gave way to houses with lush lawns, sprawling Home Depots and gas stations. My friend looked over at me and said, "I forget this is what America is."

I thought about it for a minute and realized she was right. This is what the majority of America is. It's what I know. I grew up with chain restaurants, shopping malls and parking lots an acre large. But for some reason it looked really weird to me as I side gazed.

It was like I had forgotten this because living in NYC is like living on another planet sometimes. There's so much going on here that it's easy to get absorbed in the immediacy of the city. Everything in this city takes place on another level. It truly is a place where you can have anything you want whenever and wherever you want it.

I had no idea I had gotten so accustomed to it this quickly and I sometimes forget that not everyone else gets the opportunity to experience that. And sometimes I also forget that New York makes me forget how much I can miss the rest.

Crowded in a Lonely Room

According to Wikipedia, the county of New York is the most densely populated county in the United States with a population of 1,634,795 in a land area of 22.96 square miles. In Manhattan, there are 71,201 people per square mile.

There is no privacy in New York City.

The obvious is that the minute you step out of your apartment, you must be prepared to face the world. I often run straight into others just stepping out our front door in the morning. You have dog walkers,children on their way to school,construction workers, doormen, bicycle delivery men, taxi drivers, bus drivers, and emergency vehicles all assaulting your senses after you've been outside for just a mere minute. You must be mentally prepared for the invasion of your personal space and you always hope you've timed the buses correctly enough to get on before the work crowd but after the school children.

But the un-obvious is the fact that you really don't have any privacy in your apartment either. With paper thin walls, you hear all of your neighbors. I've heard many conversations in my apartment building to which I've never met the participants. I wouldn't recognize them if I passed them in the hall, but I know more about some of them than I do about people I've actually met.

I laugh about the fact that I can lie in bed and watch the television of the neighbors in the building across the street - they love football! But the reality is that you are never really alone in this city.

Then Come On God Please Give Me 30 More

In a previous post, I mentioned that I occasionally experience moments where the reality of what I'm doing hits me. This was common when I lived in London but these moments are much fewer and farther between in New York City.

This past weekend I experienced a moment of reality hitting me in a different sort.

My friend invited me to attend a going away party for a co-worker with her this past Friday. Around 10 pm, we left my apartment to catch the L train to Williamsburg. None of us had spent much time in Williamsburg before, and I had never been to this particular part of it before. We exited at the train stop and found ourselves in a very empty and somewhat sketchy neighborhood.

After passing what looked like a lot of empty buildings, we began to wonder if we had mistaken the address. Soon we came upon the street the party was supposed to be taking place on and turned down it. There were a few groups of people heading in the same direction, so we followed the street until we came upon a nondescript looking building at the end of it.

Some of the others headed in, so we knew we had to be in the right place. We walked in and found ourselves in the middle of a large, white, concrete warehouse. A DJ had set up at the front of the room and was projecting onto a large screen behind him. A small bar had been set up in the back right corner of the room and we were surrounded by hipsters wearing all the latest Urban Outfitters styles.

After spending a few hours at the party, we decide to leave and as we are walking back to the train stop, my roommate declares that we are close enough to Barcade - a place known for the arcade games lining the bar. I had never been there before but heard from others that it was a pretty cool place. We go and get enough quarters to play for awhile.






When we ran out of quarters and decided we didn't want to drink anymore, we left the bar and headed for the train. The night had been fun and seemed to have flown by. As I get into bed when I get home I notice it's a quarter to five.

A quarter to five?! That's when it hit me.

I am about to turn 30 years old and I just got home from a night out in one of the "trendy" areas of NYC. On a normal day, I would be getting up at 5 to start my day, and here I was heading to bed with the luxury of being able to sleep until 2 pm if I wanted.

I don't know many 30 year olds who can say that. Most of my friends are married with children and live a completely different life that does not allow them to be able to do such things.

So this time, my moment of shock came, not at the fact that I'm living in NYC in particular, but that I'm still able to live my life this way.

City Life is so Transient

I first experienced this while living and working in London. Each week brought a new going away party. There was the Australian who was moving back home to return to school and the American who was moving back to be with her husband. It was the Brit who got a new job and the Canadian who was going to try her luck living in another Commonwealth country.

It was an endless stream of goodbyes. And, living on a visa in a foreign country makes you acutely aware that someday the goodbye party will be for you.

I moved back home and soon forgot the parade of goodbyes and the novelty of meeting new coworkers every few weeks. That is, until New York.

I recently said goodbye to my first friend at NYP.

We met at orientation almost a year ago. I can clearly remember the adventure we had in finding the ID office that first day. Even though we worked in different departments, we stayed in touch throughout the course of the year. We tried to meet for lunch on a fairly regular basis and would randomly run into each other in the hallways at work. It was nice to have a friend my age who was interested in exploring the neighborhood with me.

She was from the Philippines, and like most non-native New Yorkers, had no intentions of settling in the city. I knew she was planning to return home and help run the family business, but I didn't realize it would be so soon. I met her for lunch on a Friday and she told me she was moving on Sunday.

Deja vu. It was London all over again.

Work is a little more lonely these days but I've been here before. I know that it's only a matter of time before I meet someone else to have lunch with and I've now got a standing invitation to visit Manila.

No one ever stays put in a city this large...including me. I wasn't expecting to surround myself with a permanent circle of friends here, but I have to admit, all this is still a bit surreal to a girl who spent her entire life in a town that no one ever leaves and hardly ever moves to.

Beautiful Catasrophe

A hundred times have I thought New York is a catastrophe, and fifty times: It is a beautiful catastrophe. Le Corbusier

I know I've written about my love-hate relationship with New York City many times in this blog. Today I'm in the beautiful catastrophe frame of mind. There are some aspects of the city that are so unique and unexpected that remind you of the amazing-ness of all that goes on in a city so large.

But every once in awhile I see, hear, smell, or do something that reminds me of the uniqueness of a life lived in NYC.

The other night it was the bicycles whizzing past me as I crossed 23rd Avenue. This morning it was realizing I am going to see a movie that hasn't opened in the rest of the country and probably will never open in my hometown. Last week it was watching the scene in Elf where they showed the reporter on NY1 - yes, it's a real channel.

Yes, this city is loud, dirty, expensive and obnoxious most of the time, but every so often a moment comes along that reminds me I am living what for most people only ever remains a dream and that I should be thankful for this opportunity.

As Seen on TV

At the gym this morning the video to Rob Thomas' new single Someday caught my eye. There was something very familiar about the street he was walking down. I knew I recognized it, but was having a hard time placing exactly which street it was. I watched for a few minutes until I finally recognized the Madison Square Park banners in the background and at the end of the video I saw the famous Flatiron building in the background.

That was it! I spend hours in Madison Square Park so I couldn't believe it took me so long to place it.

When you live in New York it's weird watching the city on TV.

There's the beautiful view of the skyline that you see in so many movies that you often forget exists because you never see that vantage point living on the island. Each time I see that I remember why people are so enchanted with New York and actually find myself thinking of the city as beautiful.

Before, watching TV shows about New York City didn't really mean much. Now it's kind of exciting for me to watch them and try to place the streets and landmarks. I watched an episode of Gossip Girl the other day that was filmed at the end of my block. I recognized Irving Place in an instant and then immediately remembered all the cones set up on the street a few months back.

Watching old Seinfeld episodes are almost always even funnier now because the references and jokes take on even greater significance once you also have to deal with all that comes with living in this city. The last time I saw the episode where Elaine gets trapped on the Subway on her way to a party I couldn't help but laugh remembering all the times the train stops in between stations and the train is so crowded you are being held up by the people next to you and all you want to do is make it to the next stop so you can get out.

Each time I watch these shows though I still can't believe it's the same place I call home at the moment.

Finally, something I do <3 about NYC

Last night I finally got to experience one of the famous NYC summer events that everyone always talks about - the New York Philharmonic was giving a free concert in Central Park complete with fireworks. I love the symphony, the park and great weather so when I heard about this I couldn't say no. Last year over 63,000 people attended the concert so I knew I had to be prepared for the crowds. I ended up being incredibly lucky in the fact that my coworkers friends were able to get to the park around four to reserve us all a spot.




I stopped by the grocery store after work to pick up dinner and then met up with another friend. We arrived at Central Park around 7 and began hunting for the orange balloons my friend promised marked their spot. We walked around the Great Lawn and saw people of all ages. There were groups eating everything from sandwiches to plates of cheese and wine. People had marked off their areas with anything they had and we saw many large flags and mylar balloons, which made finding the promised orange balloons a bit difficult, but my friend had given us good directions and we found them fairly quickly anyway.

At 8 pm the concert started. A selection of Beethoven and Bach filled the air as the stars began to come out. The concert ended with a beautiful fireworks display.



At that moment I was reminded of how much fun it can be to live in NYC and to be able to take advantage of something so unique.

It's amazing

how lonely I feel in the busiest place I've ever lived.

In NYC,I'm constantly surrounded by millions of people. I see more people riding the Subway in one day than live in the entire town I grew up in, but somehow I feel very alone here most of the time.




Maybe it's the busy-ness that exaggerates the feeling. It seems everyone always has somewhere to go or something to do and friends or family to do it with. Sometimes it makes me sad to look in on it and remember that I once had that.

Yes, it's great to live in a city with a million things to do, but it's not that great when you have to do them all by yourself.

I know it takes time. This isn't the first time I've started over. Every time I leave a place I get sad because I realize I am always leaving behind these great lives. Lives that I created in a situation where I once felt this same loneliness.

So I know I need to be patient and maybe I will even surprise myself and find myself crying when I leave this city.

A World of Its Own

It may be hard to believe, but this is the first time I've lived in an apartment building. After living in the dorms for two years in undergrad, three friends and I rented a small house and never looked back.

There were many reasons we felt houses were superior to apartments:

*Having a yard meant we could own a grill and host summer parties
*Lots of basement storage
*Driveways and parking out front
*Being able to be as loud or as quiet as we wanted anytime
*And,in all of my houses before Boston, we were lucky enough to have our own washer and dryer

So to me the move to an apartment was both exciting and sad at the same time. Living in a ridiculously small, old and overpriced apartment in Manhattan is the dream. If you are lucky enough to find one in a great neighborhood like Gramercy, you are envied every time someone hears you mention your address.

Our apartment building was built in 1902 and is pretty large by Manhattan standards. We put up a wall and converted a two bedroom into a three bedroom. The walls are thin so you are always conscious of the fact that you can't be too loud. But living in the city you get pretty used to the idea that you really have no privacy anyway.

We have very little storage space, but we've gotten creative. The lack of space though is positive. It has made me eliminate a lot of possessions and now I always think twice before purchasing things. I will be all set when it comes time to move out :)

I enjoy passing my neighbors in the hallway and trying to deduce what their lives are like through brief exchanges and observation. I know there is an older Irish guy who lives on the top floor. I know the three girls next door love karaoke and I also know the guy who lives above me works in Midtown because I've seen him on the bus. I know the mailman and the housekeeping lady.

I still miss having a yard and having more space, but when you live in a city as large as NYC, sometimes your apartment building makes the world seem just a bit smaller.

Christmas is like crack to me

I can never get enough of it. I love everything about the season and often find myself a little sad once the Christmas music stops and the commercials no longer air.

Growing up my mom never let us celebrate Christmas until after my sister's birthday on December 16th. I am sure this made my sister's day seem more important, but it also made the Christmas season seem much shorter in our house.

So being in NYC at Christmas is like a dream come true for me. I know I mentioned this in a previous blog entry, but seriously, December in the city is the most perfect place to ever get your fix if you are a Christmas junkie like me.

I took advantage of yesterday's beautiful weather to take in some of the sights. Here are a few more pictures:

The famous - and tiny - skating rink in Rockefeller Center


Bryant Park


An amazingly non-crowded section of Fifth Ave.

The only snow I've seen in the city so far

What I love about NYC

I haven't had a lot of time for extensive exploration of the city yet, but there are two things in NYC that are definitely far superior than Boston already:

1. The Subway
2. Pizza

1. The Subway - Reliable transportation is a necessity for the city that never sleeps. I LOVE the fact that the Subway runs all the time here. In Boston I had to make sure to be at the train station by 12:30 to catch the last T of the night otherwise I would get stuck paying a ridiculously expensive cab fare home. In New York, I am trying to get used to the fact that no one even goes out before 10 and that's just fine because you can leave even the bars that close at 4 am and still hop on the Subway.

The speed of the trains is also impressive after suffering the snail's pace of the Green Line trolleys. I can hop on a train in Brooklyn and make it to the Upper East Side in less time than it took me to get the 8 miles from my house to downtown Boston each morning. (I also happen to live on an express stop here which makes my commute even happier.)

I never think twice about doing something because of the commute, which was a main factor in most of my decisions in Boston. That's why I sadly never got to spend much time in Cambridge even though I lived closer to it than downtown Boston. It took ten minutes to drive to Cambridge and probably a good hour to get there by T.


Making an addition to this entry - I also love the fact that the Subway stops are underground and that most of them are connected by underground passageways. This at least makes the winter a bit more bearable.

2. Pizza - The whole time I lived in Boston I never found very good pizza. Granted, I didn't eat a lot of it either, but most of the stuff I tried was mediocre at best. The famed Upper Crust was acceptable, but I always found myself wishing I were eating pizza from the Other Place (a pizza joint back home) instead.

In NYC there are pizza places everywhere. There are at least four that I know of within walking distance of me. The windows are lined with pies - white pizza, veggie pizza, Sicilian slices, slices made with circles of fresh mozzarella. Slices are cheap and are usually as big as the plate they are served on to make them best eaten using the fold technique. These places typically serve until 3 or 4 am and are always full of people to strike up a conversation with.

A New York City Christmas

I love Christmas! The first year I was in Boston I visited NYC at Thanksgiving. That visit was magical and probably the time I loved the city the most. Not only because it was my first visit to the city, but because it happened to coincide with the holiday season and New York celebrates Christmas like no where else.

I can still remember walking through the magical winter wonderland inside Macy's that November. If I close my eyes, I can picture the holiday crowds jamming the sidewalks below as I stood on the stairs to St. Patrick's. I remember the elaborate window displays along 5th Avenue and I also remember my disappointment at seeing Rockefeller Center complete with an unadorned Christmas tree.



One thing I had always wanted to see was the tree alight in Rockefeller Center. I was certain that the tree would be lit immediately following Thanksgiving and because I was staying for a few days, I was hopeful that I would get to see it before heading back to Boston.

I soon learned that the tree is never lit until December and always first on a weeknight. So this year I took advantage of the fact that I live here and Matt and I went to the actual tree lighting ceremony.



We arrived at Rock Center a little before 5 pm, which turned out to be perfect timing. Shortly after they closed off the street and then we began to wait. The lighting itself wasn't scheduled until 9 pm, so we spent the next few hours getting pushed around by people trying to score a better view and letting out those who decided the wait wasn't worth it and wanted to bail.

Around 7 pm, the pre-televised entertainment started and soon Christmas songs sung by Miley Cyrus, Harry Connick Jr., Faith Hill and Beyonce could be heard. At 8 pm, the show got underway for the nationwide audience and everyone started to get antsy. The wind picked up and no one could feel their feet anymore. We just wanted to see the tree!!

After what seemed like an eternity, the moment we had all waited for arrived. The countdown began and the tree was lit!



It was long, cold and crowded, but definitely something I had to experience as a New Yorker. I can now cross another thing off my list and I think I am going to have to visit the tree at least once a week between now and Christmas :)

NYC, Here I Come!

The apartment is finally ready and I got my first look at it on Tuesday when I headed down to the city for an interview. Located in Gramercy near Union Square it's not far from NYU. The neighborhood is full of restaurants, shops and parks. The apartment itself is nice, but tiny...as are all apartments in NYC. (Definitely makes me wish for the old days of renting an entire house for a fifth of what I am paying now! But if you live in the city that never sleeps, who spends time at home anyway?)

The boys are half moved in and as soon as I figure out how I am getting my stuff together, I will be heading down as well. The last time I moved I was lucky enough to have my dad to help. He helped pack everything up and did all of the driving out to Boston. This time I am on my own. I really don't want to drive a giant U-Haul into Manhattan, so I think I am going to just break down and pay the ridiculous fee to have movers do it for me.

Everyone's been asking me if I am excited about this move. Lately, the answer seems to be more of a no than yes. Figuring out the logistics of the move itself, finances, job hunting, and saying goodbye to the people I love in Boston have at times made me question the practicality of this decision. I think I have just been too overwhelmed with all the details to have given myself enough time to be excited about it.

There is so much to see and do in NYC that I know I will enjoy myself. I am just hoping that I am able to find a good enough job that allows me to be able to take advantage of everything the city has to offer. I am excited about moving to the city and having so many friends there to make the experience even better. I am excited about the job possibilities in my field. I am excited to live with my friends and for the crazy adventures we will have as roommates. I am excited at the possibility of being able to spend weekends traveling to DC and Philly. I am excited to finally be able to see the Christmas tree aglow in Rockefeller Center..and the many more things one can only do in NYC.

I must remind myself that in the beginning I questioned my decision to move to Boston as well and it turned out to be one of the best things I have ever done.



"Making a decision was only the beginning of things. When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision."
Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist